Books

Difficult Conversations
by Stone, Patton, and Heen

Everyone has their own way of dealing with difficult conversations. It seems that I’ve used the same methods for coping with uncomfortable and complex discussions my whole life. Sometimes my methods work, but usually I feel like there’s not a whole lot of progress being made. I’ve had some pretty intense conversations in the recent past, and I can’t help but think “Where was this book when I needed it!” This book has seriously changed my view on the way I handle hard-to-talk-about issues with loved ones, friends, neighbors, employers, and everyone in-between. There are many factors involved when it comes to how people react to certain events. We’re not all the same and we each have different experiences that contribute to the way we view things. Often times during a heated debate I can’t help but think “I’m right and that’s the end of it” or “I know exactly why they did that.” This book was a wake up call to me and made me realize that I can’t assume to know other’s intentions. My way of thinking is so habitual and so deep-rooted that it has been easy to forget such a simple thing as “don’t assume to know everybody’s intentions.” It was nice to be reminded of that, even though I already knew it deep down. The book also helped me to consider the fact that there is truth to both sides of the story. It suggested ways to explore each other’s stories and try to understand where the other person is coming from, which is something I really need to work on. According to the book, all difficult conversations share a common structure. The book addressed three conversations: the “What happened,” “Feelings,” and the “Identity” conversation. The book gave wonderful examples of how to work through each tricky conversation. One thing that I discovered is that I can embrace the other person’s story and understand them without agreeing with them. I also learned how to avoid blame and I have since been consciously making an effort to recognize my contribution to specific problems when they arise. Difficult Conversations taught several ways to break negative habits that surface when it comes to dealing with complicated topics. It mentioned ways to be a better listener by asking questions, paraphrasing, encouraging the other person to express their feelings, and acknowledging those feelings. It also gave insight on using the “And Stance” and reframing to “translate” words into ideas that are more helpful. But one thing I really liked is that the authors of the book acknowledged the difficulty of mastering some of these skills. It actually takes a lot of patience and practice and I feel like the authors didn’t expect the reader to become an expert overnight.The book was well written and easy to read and understand. I also genuinely feel like it offered valuable concepts for dealing with many of life’s conflicts. So far I have tried out a few of the book’s suggestions and they have truly made a difference in the outcome of my conversations. It’s great to have all these helpful hints from the book, but it would be nice if the people I regularly talk to were also aware of these tactics, and that’s why I would recommend this book to everyone I know. At this point I have urged a couple of my friends, including my husband, to read it. Overall, I’m glad that this book was required for my mediation class, otherwise I probably would have never read it, let alone known it existed.