Self Discovery 2 part 3

Entry: Faith

I only went to Primary a handful of times. On ocassion my mom would attend Relief Society and drop my sister off at nursery and me off at Primary. I don't remember much about it. I had been 8 years old for about 5 months before my teacher realized I hadn't been baptized yet. So she scheduled an appointment for me with the Bishop during class. I didn't know what was going on. Even though the Bishop was very nice, I remember sitting in his office feeling incredibly nervous. He asked me some questions. Next thing I knew I was going to get baptized.
I remember the week leading up to my baptism. I talked about it non stop. I wasn't exactly sure what it all meant. I'd get my sins washed away. I'd make a promise with God. I'd have to be good, good, good. But I wanted it. I felt so compelled to be "good" or perhaps God would be mad at me. My understanding at that age was very limited. Not to mention I had never really been taught about the gospel at home. Yet, I was so eager for the big day. And when it came I was very excited because I knew it was an important day. Many of my family members came (the majority of which were inactive or non-members of the church.) Most of the actual baptism is a blur to me now. Although, I know I was confirmed the same night. I remember some men laying their hands on my head, my hair still dripping with water. And this is the part that isn't a blur. The feeling I felt after I was baptized and confirmed. The warm feeling in my heart.
When we got home that night I recall my sister and I laying on the lawn with our big pillows. It was a warm night. Dusk. Everyone was gone by then. We were alone in the grass and we layed there and talked. I tried to explain the joy in my heart to Steph. But I couldn't describe THAT feeling. The memory of that particular sensation has never left me. I knew very little about the gospel or Jesus or even Heavenly Father at that time. Yes, I had prayed to them before and I had felt peace from praying. But this feeling was different. Even with my scarce experience and knowledge there was no way I could deny that feeling. It WAS NOT something anybody could have ever "taught" me. It was real. A warm, sweet tingling all over. Like I truly was clean and could feel Their arms around me. I could feel that. And nobody can ever take that memory from me. It has always been such a sacrosanct part of my past. Something that has increased my faith in times of doubt.
Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I don't remember going to church again for a very long time. It wasn't until about age 12 when we moved to our 3rd house that I started attending church again.

Self Discovery 2 part 2

Entry: Faith

My first experience with faith occurred when I was about 5 years old. Around that age I started to have severe episodes of sleepwalking. It was really quite bad. I would go outside and walk toward the highway. (We lived in the country.) My mom would wake up to find me outside then run out and steer me back into the house. Or I would walk out into the field behind our house with the dog. Or mess around in the kitchen opening drawers and the fridge and pulling things out. These sleepwalking episodes went on for a long time. I had anxiety attacks leading up to bedtime. I was always so scared that something bad was going to happen while we were asleep. Like someone was going to break in or the house was going to catch on fire and we would all die, you know, really traumatic things like that. I was way embarrassed to tell my mom that I was having these panic attacks. But after doing some medical research, my mom figured it out anyway, and concluded that anxiety was most likely the cause of the sleepwalking.
Wanting to ease my fears, and not really knowing what else to do, my mom taught me how to pray. Up until that point I don't think I had ever prayed before. Growing up in an inactive household, we just didn't pray as a family. Not at dinner, not before bed, not in the mornings. Never. But Mom knelt beside my bed one night and we said a prayer together. She prayed that we would all be protected while we slept and afterwards emphasized that Heavenly Father and Jesus would watch over me, so not to worry. This was such a huge thing for just a small girl. Every night after that I never forgot to say a prayer, whether it was with my mom or by myself. I had been taught that there was a God and that there was a Savior. A mustard seed had been planted. And I had so much faith in them. I had faith they would keep me safe. And not long after, my sleepwalking episodes stopped completely.

Self Discovery 2 part 1

Entry: Faith

Over the course of my reflection last year, I tried to pinpoint some of my talents, or gifts. I’ve always been really down on myself because everything I know how to do, I only do a mediocre job at. For instance, I have a blog dedicated to my arts and crafts, but that doesn’t mean I’m good at arts and crafts. In fact, although I love arts and crafts, I KNOW I’m not GOOD at them. I’ve accepted it. I also like to play sports, but I don’t consider myself an exceptional athlete. I’ve never been the smartest, strongest, prettiest, or –est of anything, really. There’s always someone out there who’s better than me in some way. So last year I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it is I’ve got going for me. Not so I could gloat about it or pump up my ego. This was only for the sake of finding out more about myself (hence the title of these posts.) And then on some random night while Mike and I were talking in bed before drifting off into sleepy land, we got on the topic of religion and such. And to be honest, I don’t really know what brought this up, but I asked Mike if he thought it was weird that I believed the Book of Mormon was true before I even read it. He said no and told me this scripture:

Moroni 10: 8 And again, I exhort you, my brethren, that ye deny not the gifts of God, for they are many; and they come from the same God. And there are different ways that these gifts are administered; but it is the same God who worketh all in all; and they are given by the manifestations of the spirit of God unto men, to profit them. 9 For behold, to one is given by the Spirit of God, that he may teach the word of wisdom; 10 And to another, that he may teach the word of knowledge by the same Spirit; 11 And to another, exceedingly great faith; and to another, the gifts of healing by the same Spirit;

I've thought about that scripture since that night and I believe that perhaps faith is my gift. Maybe I’m not good or the best at playing an instrument, or drawing, or throwing a softball. But I have a spiritual gift. And after ruminating through the past in my head I’ve come to realize that faith really has, in fact, been a defining characteristic of mine.

To be continued….

Self Discovery 1

Entry: I KNOW
I've really been reflecting on my life and trying to figure out what I can do to be happier. I've come to the conclusion that I need to let go of the past. And in order to do that I need to forgive previous hurts. I've been racking my brain and I'm determined to make amends with those who I might have unresolved conflicts with. I might not be able to get in contact with all of them, but I'm going to try hard to. __________ is one of them. __________ is another. There's also a handful of other people. Today I wrote __________ an email. He wrote a really nice email back to me. I think we can be friends again. It feels so good to make amends. I've been praying to Heavenly Father for some time now to help me feel Christ-like love towards others, especially those I've been hurt by. I want to forgive. I KNOW it is the only way to be happy. And to forgive and show love and compassion takes a lot of prayer and hard work on my part. I KNOW I can't expect to be forgiven for my shortcomings if I'm not willing to forgive others of theirs. I'm striving to make several improvements in every area of my life. And I KNOW that some of this I can't do on my own. Much of it can only come from the grace of Heavenly Father.

A year later....

Last February I wrote this post. This is what it said:

Something happened. I got caught up in the day-to-day. I don’t even know who I am anymore. This reality just hit me like a ton of bricks. I often feel like life becomes a routine and I lose sight of my goals, I lose sight of myself, and I plateau. I think when I hear something over and over again it becomes so ingrained in me that I stop attaching meaning to it. And this is what I need to overcome. I need to find real meaning. I need to center myself and take a deep look at what’s under the skin. What defines me? What drives me, inspires me, motivates me? What am I passionate about, if anything? What are my beliefs and why are they so? What do I value? How strong is my faith? What experiences and ideas have brought me to this point? What am I good at? What do I know to be true without a doubt? These are all questions that need to be answered before I can feel very confident and comfortable with myself. This is going to be a year of reflection and learning. A year of self discovery. And hopefully a process that will allow much growth to come of it. There are some parts of myself that I have tucked away for too long because I was afraid. I want to be more fearless. I want to learn to embrace my quirks and idiosyncrasies instead of hiding them away shamefully. I want to stop relying so heavily on opinions that don’t matter. I want to find out who I really am. I know this sounds crazy, like why shouldn’t I know myself after almost 26 years? But I don’t. I’m determined to figure it out though. So, the quest begins.

It's almost been a year now and I feel like I have actually learned a lot about myself. So I am going to start a series called "Self Discovery" and post things that I have come to understand and know over the past year(s) about me and my life and all that fun stuff. So look forward to that in the next coming days.