Homestead

     I have been dreaming about our future house for months now.  I've kept myself awake at nights and have been so absorbed in thought during the day just fantasizing about what this place will be like.  Mike and I really love Oregon, and I am ready to permanently settle down in a house we will raise our family in and stay for the rest of our lives.  I'm still trying to convince Mike to settle down for good, since he likes the prospect of moving around and experiencing new places.  But we both agree that this is the best place we've lived so far, and personally, I can see us here long-term.
   
     I can't believe we've been here for over a year now.  At the present time, we are renting a house and our lease recently ended so now we have a month-to-month contract.  This is nice because, when we do find the perfect house, we'll be able to make the transition right away.  But at the same time, we don't feel like we are in a huge rush to make a decision.  Our next move is something we definitely need to take time to consider, particularly if it will be the place we end up forever.

     Mike and I have been seriously looking at properties for the past few months.  There is so much to think about.  Obviously, price is a factor.  But we also don't want a place that requires a lot of "fixing up."  Mike's work hours don't accommodate for a house that needs a ton of remodeling.  Probably one of the most important thing for us right now is land.  I have been envisioning a place with big trees for the kids to climb, and Mike has been romancing the idea of a pond or creek. We would love a place with plenty of space for growing a garden and raising animals.  Aside from a regular garden, I also want to build a greenhouse and have fruit trees and berries.  We want to have room for a chicken coop, and housing for various other animals.  We especially need enough open space for the kids to play and explore and for our future dog to run around.  I can't wait to get a dog!
     
     It's important for us to teach our kids how to grow food and take care of animals and be self-sufficient.  We want them to learn how to work.  We can't invest our lives in running a big farm, because that would be completely unmanageable for us at the moment.  But I can imagine us undertaking a small scale farming project to start and then someday building up to more grandiose ideas as we gain further experience and know-how.  I grew up in a small town surrounded by farms, but never actually worked on a farm myself.  However, I have family members who have shared bits of wisdom from their own farming background, and so I think it's a feasible ambition.
   
      There are other things to consider besides land.  For instance, we can't be too far out in the country that Mike has an insane commute to his office and back.  We also don't want to be a ridiculous distance from our beloved downtown Portland, where all the excitement, fun shops and delicious restaurants reside.  Right now we live in the suburbs.  Nothing great about that except for the location.  You see, we are only an hour away from the beach and an hour away from the mountains and the gorge and I don't want to sacrifice being further away from those things that I have grown to love so much since moving here.  So the question is, does the perfect house for us exist?  Does it meet all of our  requirements?  Probably not.  So now we have to brainstorm and figure out what things we're willing to give up, if we have to, and what things are an absolute priority.  Not easy to do for the girl who wants EVERYTHING.  :)

If sleep is for the weak, then I am one dang weak woman

     This past week I splurged and bought new bedding.  Cute stuff, too.  Sheets, a quilt, decorative pillows, the whole nine yards.  And I have been so excited to sleep on my cute new bedding, but guess what?  Sleep for this gal has been pretty non-existant lately.  And when I say lately, I mean like 3 months or more.  So I need some advice.  Here's the deal:
     A few things are making it difficult to get consistent rest during the night.  For one thing, Mike's first alarm goes off at 3:45am.  That's right folks, 3:45am.  If he sleeps through that, a second alarm goes off at 4am.  Of course, the alarms wake me up too, so that interferes with my sleep.
     Then at 4:30 on the dot, the baby wakes up.  It doesn't matter when I lay him down, or when I give him his last feeding, he wakes up at 4:30 every morning.  Almost like his body is conditioned to wake up at that time.  When he wakes up, he's pretty hysterical and it's very difficult to calm him down.  Rocking him and a pacifier do nothing.  I've tried to let him cry it out, but I can only listen to that hysterical cry for so long before I'm up trying to console him.  Even my giant fan can't drown out his cries.  The only thing that seems to work is nursing him, and that's a habit I really don't want him to get into (although it seems to me he already has.)  He is almost 9 months old and he shouldn't be waking up for a feeding in the night anymore.  In fact, between 2 and 4 months he was sleeping through the night, so I know it can be done.  He used to do it all the time.  So what's going on now?
     Anyway, I usually nurse him now because it calms him down and he'll go back to sleep afterwards.  By then it's about 5am and I'll try desperately to fall asleep again, but if it happens it is short lived.  That's because out of nowhere, Jacob has started to wake up at around 5:30 every morning.  Actually, he has been waking up multiple times in the night for the past month or so.  Usually the first time happens around 2am.  At any rate, if he doesn't wake up in the night, he's guaranteed to wake up at 5:30am.  Not sure the reasoning behind that, considering that he's never had a problem sleeping in the past.  In fact, he's been my best sleeper so far and has always slept through the night until about 7:30 each morning.  So at 5:30 I have to go reassure him that everything is okay and get him to lay back down so he doesn't wake up his brother.  Then by the time I get back to bed and fall asleep again, Vessel is up sometime between 6 and 6:30am.  If I'm lucky they will watch t.v. QUIETLY so I can sleep a little longer.  But "quietly" isn't usually the case, so I will wake up or the baby will wake up and then I will have to go get him and start the morning.  It just feels like there is always something keeping me awake.  I have gotten to the point that I subconsciously won't allow myself to drift into a deep sleep because I don't want to be jolted out of my sleep by a screaming child.  Trust me, when that happens it gives me the worst anxiety EVER.  If I am jolted out of my sleep like that, I can rarely fall back asleep again because my heart is pounding and my adrenaline is pumping.
     Some of you might say, just go to bed earlier.  And I probably should.  But after we put the kids to bed around 8 or 8:30, Mike and I need time to decompress from the days' events, talk, and spend time together.  So we're up for awhile before going to bed ourselves.  And even if I did go to bed at like 9:30pm, it doesn't make 4:30am seem bearable.  It's still too early to start the day.
     I would just like to get AT LEAST a consistent 6 hours a night.  I might get about 3 uninterrupted hours of sleep if I'm lucky.  Good, restful sleep is just not happening for me between Jacob's wakings, Mike's alarm and him getting ready for the day, the baby's waking, and my difficulty relaxing my brain after being woken up several times in the night.  By morning I am cranky and I have anxiety and I am irritable and those kinds of issues don't make for the best kind of mama to start the day.
     So give me your advice.  ANY and all advice.  Why do my children wake up in the night?  Why is my baby waking up at 4:30 every single day, and how can I stop it (without nursing him.?)  How can I allow myself to relax and fall back asleep if I do get woken up in the night by my kids?  And should I pitch a tent in another room to avoid hearing Mike's alarm?  :)  I don't wanna do that, and I know Mike would disapprove...but seriously...what is a girl to do???   
     
 

Questions

     I have to admit that I've really enjoyed being "calling free" since moving to our new ward.  Not that I don't enjoy callings in the church or that I'm unwilling to serve, but it's been a nice change going from teacher to the one being taught.  Attending Sunday school and Relief Society these past few months has undoubtedly been beneficial for me.
     A few weeks ago the RS teacher started off her lesson by saying that after 30 years of seeking an answer to a particular question/problem, she finally received it.  She described how she came to realize that the many experiences she had over the past 30 years had merely been stepping stones bringing her closer to reaching the answer.  And finally, the culmination of those events materialized and the answer she had been seeking just kind of HIT her.  How awesome to finally "get" something after trying to understand it for that many years!
     I listened to her speak and thought about my own struggles to understand certain gospel concepts lately.  In fact, I have been trying to "grasp" one specific gospel principle for a few years now.  And being rather unsuccessful in my quest has definitely weighed heavily on my heart and mind.  However, this teacher's experience gave me hope.  As her lesson progressed, I got the feeling in my heart that I too will be able to find answers to my questions, if I am faithful and continue studying, praying, and seeking for the truth.  It might take years, but with patience, maybe I'll eventually understand some of the things about the gospel that just don't make sense to me right now.
     This year I celebrated my 30th birthday and, to be honest, it felt incredibly dreadful to leave my 20's behind.  But as I look back on the past ten years, I can see considerable growth and change that has taken place inside of me.  I have gained an abundance of personal insights about various topics that used to plague my mind with never ending questions.  Just as an example, one of those topic is the atonement of Jesus Christ.  I mean, for a long time I never really "got it."  Obviously, I'd heard several talks in sacrament meeting about it, I'd participated in lessons about it, and I'd read about it.  But it wasn't until I went through a rather heart-breaking period of time that the atonement became such an applicable part of my life.  It took on new meaning and I understood it in a way I had never understood it before.  It wasn't just an idea anymore, it was a relevant, almost tangible truth.  I am grateful for the many learning experiences like this one I've had over the years.   
   It's amazing and such a blessing how people and their ideas can change over time.  For instance, I was just looking back on some old blog posts of mine and was blown away by how differently I view these issues now.  If you read that post, you'll see how determined I was to hold onto my belief that being gay is a choice.  But in the past 5 years since writing that post, I've been given opportunities to interact with gay people, even faithful gay Mormons, and family members of those gay individuals.  It has certainly allowed me to gain more insight, especially in regards to homosexuality and the LDS church.  To sum it up, I no longer believe homosexuality is a choice.  These are just a couple of examples, but in reality, these past ten years have been a time of really processing ideas, developing personal opinions, and even establishing a sense of peace pertaining to ideologies I have, at one time or another, struggled to comprehend.
     That being said, I know new questions will always arise.  Just like now, I've got a myriad of unanswered gospel questions on my mind that I am dying to figure out.  Fortunately, that RS teacher rekindled my faith that I will gain the knowledge and understanding I am so desperately seeking right now.  And if it takes me 30 years, or even a lifetime, so be it.  I am not going to give up and I am not going to get hung up on things I don't have an answer for YET.  I need to hold onto the things I already know to be true.  More truth and answers will come to me "line upon line, precept upon precept" and in the Lord's own due time.  This life is all about learning, right?  I can't expect to know everything in the beginning.  That's just the way it has to be.  If we all had the answers and understood everything perfectly, there would be no learning or growth in this life, and basically our time here on earth would be pointless.  So I will press forward and I believe understanding will eventually come concerning these new questions I'm facing, just as it has for me so many times before.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

A very LOOOOONG day...which started Sunday night when Jacob woke up crying several times after putting him to bed.  He was burning up with fever.  102.9 to be exact.  So lots of loves, juice, and children's Tylenol were in order.  But when Jake is sick, he is usually pretty inconsolable.  Then Vessel woke up cranky Monday morning, as did Jacob.  Haven woke up an hour earlier than usual and was off his eating/sleeping schedule all day.  The missionaries called late Sunday night letting us know that "we" signed up to feed them Monday evening.  I say "we" because I never see the sign up calendar go around in church since I am in Primary.  Mike is the one who signed us up but failed to mention it to me.  Such is life.  So, Monday morning while Vessel was at preschool I thought I better get some groceries because I had NOTHING to feed the missionaries, let alone my own family.  I debated about taking the children with me because A.) Jacob wasn't feeling all that great  B.)  Vessel was starting to act like he was getting sick too, and C.)  I didn't think I could handle taking 3 little kids to the store with me.  I considered getting a babysitter to stay with the boys while they napped, then I thought I could get it done quickly for sure.  Unfortunately it didn't work out.  I doubted I could wait to go until Mike got home from work because I had to have something ready for the missionaries to eat.  So I sucked it up and decided to just go with all my kids in tow.  Now, I've gone places with all 3 of my darling children.  But it wasn't a 2 hour trip to that horrible, hellish place, otherwise known as Wal-Mart.  Yes, it takes about 1 1/2 - 2 hours to go grocery shopping for me because A.) I have to get an entire week's worth of groceries  B.)  The check out lines are always long, no matter what time of day  C.)  and loading and unloading kids takes time, not to mention, driving there and back, and little hold ups like a 5 year old needing to relieve himself, etc.  Okay, so, I get in the store and search for one of those ginormous carts, the kind with 2 little seats and a cart attached to the front.  They only had 2 carts like that to choose from.  So I started putting my kids in one, then realized the straps were broken.  So I switched to the other cart with semi-working straps.  Okay, sorta strapped in is better than not at all.  Haven was in his car seat on top of the cart, a diaper bag shoved on one side of him and my purse on the other.  I soon realized I was in for quite a treat as I began wheeling that heavy, woebegone, cart around the store.  It was so incredibly loud that I honestly couldn't hear anything but the rattly, squeaky wheels that looked and felt as if they were about to fall off.  Mike called during my so-called adventure and even said it sounded like I was on a train.  Let's just say I got a lot of bad looks.  Besides practically falling apart, the cart was incredibly massive, like I was pushing a bus.  And I hadn't even put any groceries in it yet!  But I trucked along.  First stop: non-food items.  Wow, was I going to have enough room for everything?  I didn't really plan this out well, did I?  I had to get some bins for putting the boys' miscellaneous toys in.  Not the real big kind, but big enough to fill up the back half of the cart.  I'd be danged if I had to make a second trip later to get those bins, so I was going to make them fit with the rest of the stuff on my list.  I also needed a new pillow because the filling in my old one just wasn't cuttin' the mustard anymore.  I stuffed that down between the older boys, as if they had enough room as it was.  Okay, now the cart was really starting to annoy me.  I convinced an employee to go get me another cart since I had merchandise and couldn't go past the first set of automatic doors.  She acted put out and took her sweet time.  While I waited I got to listen to the boys fight over the bag of snacks I brought with me to keep them occupied. When the employee got back, I unloaded the kids, the diaper bag, my purse, the bins, the pillow and began to strap everyone in again.  But, BAH!  It was the cart with the crappy straps that didn't work!!  I'd have to deal with it though.  Okay, onto the baby section for diapers and wipes.  2 big boxes of diapers and 1 big box of wipe refills.  Geez, Jake, can't you be potty trained already?  I attempted to put the boxes below the cart, but guess what?  My new cart, although not as rickety and falling apart as the last one, did not have a rack underneath for putting things on like...diapers.  Dang it!  So, by this time my whole cart was filled and I hadn't even started getting food yet!  But I pressed forth.  And as I went I got that "look" from other shoppers.  That look that seemed to say, "You are so annoying with your gargantuan cart and your 3 kids and your disheveled look."  Or maybe a look of sympathy.  Somewhere along the way I realized that Jacob dropped his bag full of snacks.  Oh, that's just great, I thought.  I'm sure we left a trail of goldfish crackers and raisins behind for someone else to step in.  Then the kids became thirsty and started begging for a drink.  They never want anything to drink unless we're at the store.  So I got them each a juice and figured I could just pay for it at the check out.  Jacob just spilled his everywhere.  But I kept shopping.  And as I shopped I got more and more frustrated.  The store was out of, or no longer carried, many of the items on my list!!  C'mon Wal-mart, I thought you were a one-stop shop!  You are gonna make me go to ANOTHER store!  With food and other items practically spilling out of the cart, I eventually made it to the check out line.  Of course every register had people already lined up with carts as full as mine.  So I waited...  By this time Haven and Jacob were both crying from being tired and hungry and the pacifier just wasn't working for Haven anymore.  2 people commented, "Three boys, wow, you really have your hands full!"  Ya think?  Luckily a nice man pushed my 2 cart-full of groceries to the van and helped me load them in.  I was so happy I almost cried a little.  I ended up giving him a tip.  When we got home the real fun began.  I had to make 5 trips up and down three flights of stairs.  I left Haven in the van as I unloaded and he was crying so hard the whole neighborhood probably heard him.  A man in our complex walked in the building as I walked out to get the last load of bags and he just gave me a disgusted look while shaking his head.  Really, dude, you wanna judge me like that?  As soon as we all got into the house Vessel threw up on the carpet.  But I couldn't clean it up right away because the baby was starving to death and I had to nurse him.  Meanwhile, Jacob started freaking out and crying even more because Vessel wouldn't let him play on the swivel chair with him.  I finally finished feeding the baby and put the groceries away.  All the frozen stuff was pretty much thawed by then.  I had just thrown a paper towel over the barf on the carpet until I could get to it.  Then I became aware of the fact that the nasty barf soaked paper towel was stuck to the bottom of Jacob's foot and he was walking around the house with it.  Oh, superb!  I got that cleaned up and started making dinner for the Elders.  I made the kids their own special, little pizzas but they wouldn't even touch them.  Neither of them had an appetite.  So we just put them to bed with empty tummies.  Haven (the baby who is usually the best sleeper in the world) would NOT go to sleep.  That night I ended up nursing him AND giving him 2 bottles because he was still hungry.  For the love of humanity!  The missionaries came late and I didn't finish the dishes until 10:30 pm.  At this point I started feeling sick myself.  I was certain I had caught whatever the boys were fighting.  Blech.  A hot shower, salt water gargle, and saline solution up the nose (Thanks for the advice, Rachel!) and to bed I went.  But I couldn't sleep.  The room felt boiling hot and I was sweating like a hog.  When this morning came I felt completely unrested and worn out.  Awhile later I was in the boys' room helping them get dressed when I saw something weird on the side of Vessel's bed.  Was it?  Could it be?  Ewwwww!  A pile of chunky barf on the carpet!!  Seriously?  How long had that been there?  Apparently Vessel threw up in the middle of the night and didn't tell us about it.  Not sure if it was caused by a stomach bug or from coughing so hard.  Anyway, I snapped on some rubber gloves and worked that gross, nasty stuff out of the carpet until it looked decent again.  I'm not gonna lie, I gagged several times.  Anyway, I suppose I should end my whining here.  Although, I'm not so much telling this story to complain, but more to give you all a good laugh.  I love my kids and they bring a lot of joy to my life.  Yes, sometimes we have rough days, but that's just the life of being a mama.  My own mama said there would be days like this.  I shouldn't complain.  I was warned, after all.  :)  

New Year New Perspective

So my last entry I wrote about some struggles I had been having trying to adjust to post pregnancy life and the presence of a baby in the home. Things have gradually gotten better. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm trying to feel more gratitude in my life and that seems to help a bunch. Also, never underestimate the power of prayer. I feel that sometimes during difficult days, prayer is the only thing that gets me through. It's also nice that Haven is older now. I know, he's only a mere 2 months now, but it seems like he's changed so much since his birth. He is hefty and growing out of his clothes like crazy. He has started to lose that newborn look and he is awake and alert more often during the day. He is smiling, cooing, and even laughing now. I'm amazed at how much these little things lift my spirits. He is sleeping very well at night and I am getting a bit more sleep which helps my mood. We have gotten into a routine and that has eliminated a good portion of my anxiety. Haven is very predictable and I know when he's going to be hungry and sleepy and I know why he's upset when he fusses and I can usually find the solution to calming him down. I have him all figured out and that definitely makes me feel more confident as a mother.

Pity Party

Excerpts from my journal from a few weeks ago:

"I just don't know if I can handle another pregnancy...Perhaps it's the fatigue and lack of sleep talking ...having a newborn is probably the hardest stage for me. It always has been with each child. Having 3 children hasn't been easy. Especially when Vessel & Jacob are screaming or fighting and the baby is crying and I am exhausted. It's hard to feel like I'm being a good mom. It's hard to feel like I'm meeting the individual needs of my children when I'm so tired & impatient and when I'm trying to do so many things at once. I know this time of my life is only temporary. But it is a huge adjustment. I've had a few hard days. The hormonal roller-coaster hasn't been fun. I've cried a lot since the baby was born. I just don't understand why women have to go through all these crazy changes during and after pregnancy. And it being winter just makes it worse. Not being able to take the kids for walks, or go to the park, or the swimming pool. And this tiny apartment feels so confining and stuffy and sometimes I feel so claustrophobic here. I hate the feeling of being isolated. ...I want to be able to go out and do something on my own, but I feel tied down to the baby. I don't want that to sound bad, it just is what it is. I have to feed him, he relies on me for nourishment and comfort. I am the only one who seems to understand what he wants, or how he likes to be held, or what will calm him down when he's fussy. I feel like I can't be away from him. Maybe it's instinct we're born with that kicks in when we become mothers. An instinct that keeps us from abandoning our babies. Whatever it is, that feeling is strong. He needs me and I need him. And even though some days I feel like I am going to go totally bat crap crazy in this apartment and I need a break just to get away, if I do leave for even an hour to do my own thing, all I think about is the baby. I know he won't be a baby forever. But these next few months are going to be the hardest .....I feel so detached from everyone. During a time of such love and happiness with Christmas almost here, all I feel is a heavy, cold heart. I feel really far away from everyone and everything around me. I want to let go of this feeling, to set myself free from the grip of loneliness and sadness I feel. Is it just a matter of not giving into the sadness?"

Yes, for the last month I've been experiencing the "baby blues," if you will. I've kind of been struggling to stay afloat, just trying to get through each day and not fall apart. But, a couple of days ago while I was rocking the baby, I opened the Ensign and started reading this article. Go ahead, read it, it's a goody. This talk hit me pretty hard as I came to realize that the reason I was having such a hard time finding happiness was because I was focusing too much on the negative. Eyring says "We must ask in prayer that God, by the power of the Holy Ghost, will help us see our blessings clearly even in the midst of our trials. He can help us by the power of the Spirit to recognize and be grateful for blessings we take for granted." I don't think I have been sufficiently grateful. I know my trials are real for me, but things could be so much worse than they are. In reality, I have so much to be thankful for. Haven is a good baby and the boys have adjusted better than I thought. Jacob has been so sweet to the baby and doesn't act jealous or resentful at all. Vessel has been a good helper to me. There have been so many people willing and wanting to help out during this time. People have brought us meals and have offered to help watch the kids. Some friends have offered to take Vessel for a few hours so I could get some stuff done. My sister was so nice to drive up here and spend a week with me. Having her here was a godsend. She took the older boys out for a couple hours each day to get them out of the house. She was so helpful and without being asked, changed diapers, got the kids dressed in the morning, and prepared lunch for everyone. She did so much. And then my husband's parents came to visit for a week and they did just about everything from doing the dishes and laundry to taking the boys out so I could take a nap. They were amazing. More than amazing, actually.
Mike has been in Portland since Wednesday morning and I have had some severe anxiety knowing I'd be alone every night with the 3 kids. On a typical day I am comforted to know that I'm going to get some relief come 5 o'clock when Mike walks through the door. I was worried about the anxiety and loneliness I was going to feel every night, but I have been so lucky. My downstairs neighbor came up and stayed with me to keep me company for a couple hours and even brought me a plate of homemade candy. My dear friend came over Thursday night and had dinner with me and helped me while I got my kiddos ready for bed and then she just stayed and talked with me for awhile. That definitely cheered me up. Another friend invited me to her house for dinner last night. And yet another friend called me today and ended up going to the grocery store with me to help out with the kids. Plus a friend of mine picked up Vessel for preschool and dropped him off this past week so that I didn't have to. I feel so blessed at the outpouring of love so many people have shown me. It definitely makes me feel less alone and feel like there are people I can count if things get too hard.

For the past couple of weeks I allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my sadness and depression. Of course, the hormones and post pregnancy issues aren't completely resolved yet. But I know that Heavenly Father listens to and answers my prayers. Ever since reading Elder Eyring's words, I have been praying to feel more gratitude and it's actually helping. My burden feels lighter. I feel more capable of coping with my circumstances. I have a deeper desire of to serve others and to not focus so selfishly on my own problems. I am trying to embrace parenthood more and magnify my calling as wife and mother. I know the Spirit has touched me this week and I now feel GRATITUDE more than I have in a very long time.

Big As A House

This is my third pregnancy and I am bigger now than I was with the last two kiddos. Not just in the belly, but pretty much everywhere. This pregnancy has been good, for the most part. Nothing to really complain about....'til now. Nothing fits. Nothing I wear is comfortable. See, I have a really long torso anyway, so I need extra long shirts as it is. But now with the bump, it's like I can't find any shirts that are long enough. I feel like I am constantly pulling my shirt down to cover that bulging watermelon that somehow finds a way to peek out and say "hi" to everyone. I not only have to worry about the bulge in the middle, but I feel thicker everywhere. None of my shoes fit. It's like my feet have grown 2 sizes larger than normal. I get a muffin top on my feet when I wear my dress shoes to church. Not a pretty sight, people. I feel big as a house ALL OVER. I know it's not permanent. I know once I have this little guy I'll be able to shed some of this extra flab. And I wouldn't mind so much feeling big right now if only I had clothes that fit me properly and comfortably. Geez, my friggin' undies don't even fit right. Nothing feels worse than adjusting your garb every 5 seconds. So, that's my frustration today. I just need some decent, nice looking clothes that fit for the next 2 months. Is that so much to ask?

Let me paint you a picture...

Last night I stayed up really late catching up on laundry. I finished folding the last batch around 12:45am and crawled into bed at 1:00am. Mike's alarm woke us both up at 4:30am. He got up and got ready for work while I laid there awake listening to him fumble around for his clothes and get ready for the day. He left at about 5:00am and I thought to myself "I have a couple hours left of sleep before the boys get up." At 5:10am, after just dozing off, I heard the loudest crash come from the kitchen. I jumped out of bed and looked to see what had happened. The tall shelf holding all our food storage somehow tipped over and came crashing down. All the cans, jars, buckets of flour, rice, sugar, and all our dried food fell to the ground while some fell on the table and rolled off. The big flour bucket knocked over a chair and another bucket tipped over the large vase on the table that was full over river rocks. So there were rocks all over the floor, as well as dented cans, and a HUGE mess of food. The noise woke up Jake so I had to go console him. After cleaning and consoling, I got back into bed around 5:50am. Then came the garbage truck emptying all the dumpsters in our apartment complex. That truck is SOOOOO friggin' loud and annoying, it wakes me up every time I'm sleeping. Then I dozed off about 10 minutes later and was awakened by the life flight chopper that flew right outside our bedroom window. By then it was about 6:30am. I had just dozed off again when I got the worst charley horse in my calf that I have ever experienced! That woke me up pretty fast and I was almost in tears trying to relieve the cramping in my leg. Then at 6:45am Vessel came out of his room to use the toilet. He was then up for the day. And when he came out of his room he accidentally slammed the door which woke up Jake. So I was up and at 'em by 7:00am, which I suppose isn't too early, but it is when you feel like you've only gotten about 3 1/2 hours of sleep. And you all may know how much I value my sleep. So I've been a bit on the cranky side this morning. Blah.

Sigh

Well, most of you know by now that we were supposed to move to Portland in September. It looks as though there has been a change in the plan. Short version is Mike can't take the CFA test until December and won't know whether or not he passes until January. Without the CFA under his belt, he can't officially get the promotion. We could still move to Portland, but without the pay increase that his promotion promises us, we will be living in a city with a higher price of living without having the added benefit of a higher income. So after another lengthy discussion with his boss, he and Mike decided to hold off on the move until February. That's right, people, FEBRUARY. Do you know what this means? This means I have to endure ANOTHER Great Falls winter.


Not only that, it just creates a lot more stress in my life. I am a planner. I plan things out to the last detail and when something goes awry it really puts a dent in my mood. I found this little apartment and decided it would work because I thought we were only going to be here through the summer. I wasn't planning on having my baby here, and now I'm wondering if this place is going to be big enough. And hey, we were looking forward to saying all our kids were born in different states. :) But let's talk the big stuff here. When I was packing our things I did it thinking we were only here for a few months. EVERYTHING is in storage. I didn't make plans for Vessel to go to any kind of school here in the Fall because I thought I'd do that in Oregon. I could go on and on. Everything is just kind of messed up for me now. I know it's only 4-5 months longer than we thought, but I was really looking forward to this move. I had made plans in my head and now I have to rearrange it all. I'm not mad at Mike or his boss or anything. I realize that life can't always go perfectly. I'll get over it. I'll have to make the most of the situation. Maybe it will even be a blessing in disguise. But right now I can't help feeling a bit agitated. *SIGH*

Just Breathe

Welcome back to the blogging world, Jamie. It's been awhile since I've posted anything of interest or value. It has been very chaotic around these parts. Just a lot of stuff going on all at once. It is nice to have a day where I don't have any pressing matter to attend to. Okay, so I still have laundry to catch up on, and bills to pay, and I need to prepare dinner for the missionaries tonight, but RIGHT NOW I am not going to worry about that and just focus on writing. Here's a little catch-up. It has been a busy summer. We were able to make a trip to Idaho and Utah to visit friends and family. We took on some major home improvement projects over the summer as well. We also had the pleasure of having a number of visitors come stay with us. My sister stayed a week and it was just what I needed. After she left I really missed her and wished she could've stayed longer. My grandparents and my grandma's sister came the following week. They brought with them an organ I inherited from my great Grandad after he passed away. Now I just need to find someone who gives private organ lessons. :) The week after that my friend Bekah came from Boise to stay for a week. She brought her 11 month old son with her. We had a good time crafting and staying busy with projects. Although, everyone in the house caught a bug that left them with crummy tummies for a couple of days. Luckily I didn't get it, but it was still miserable to see everyone else not feeling so hot. But Bekah and I swapped music (which I am totally digging since we have similar tastes.) She also taught me how to coupon. She is way better than I am, and I don't know if I could ever be up to her level. But it was quite satisfying to look at my receipt at the end of my purchase to find that I had saved $52 from using coupons! Wow, right? I still need Bekah's know-how to help me hone my couponing skills. The week after that Mike's parents and grandma paid us a sort of unexpected visit. It was nice to have them here and I know Vessie really enjoyed playing with his grandparents.
Yesterday was the infamous Primary program. For being in charge of my first Primary program ever, I'd have to say it went rather smoothly. I had to crack up at some parts, like when certain children belted out the songs totally off key and out of rhythm, or the little boy digging for gold the entire time. Kids are funny. I am so happy to have that program behind me now. I was very stressed the weeks leading up to it. I don't know why I was so uneasy about it. Perhaps it is just in my nature to worry. :)
Things have been fairly good, I'd say. Although the shifting seasons has made me quite gloomy. I really don't know if I can handle winter this year. Seriously. I'm already missing my warm evening runs, taking Vessel to the park, swimming, feeding the squirrels from the porch, and even mowing the lawn! We had to break down a couple of weeks ago and turn on the furnace. This past Saturday was wonderful though. It was the perfect evening as we went for a walk. Warm and mild. Leaves crunching under our footsteps. Clean fall air. Pink clouds from the setting sun. It was incredible and made me wish every night could be like that. But today, it's friggin' cold and raining. All the leaves have turned soggy and gross. I am wearing my flannel jammie pants and slippers and waiting for my warm tater-tots to get out of the oven. And I think I just heard the timer, so toodles for now. Hopefully I'll have something way cooler to write about the next time I log onto this thing. :)

Ugh

Today seems so daunting. All I can do is sigh. I have so many questions running through my mind. I MUST find the answers. I MUST.
Often times I wish I could just live life without keeping a tight reign on my thoughts and emotions. I wonder what would happen if I left them unchecked? I just have to push forward though. Going backwards would only be worse.

The complexities of life

I have kind of neglected the blogosphere for awhile. Obviously if you look at my archives, I don't write as much as I used to. And I haven't been keeping up on friends' blogs the way I did in the past. I feel bad for that. I don't know what's the cause of this. A valid reason could be that I am busier lately. But another part is that I have just been...I don't even know the word. Sometimes it's hard to blog. I don't feel like I can say what I really want to say. I feel like if I did, people would judge me. I feel like if I write about happy stuff people just think that I'm bragging. Perhaps nobody even reads this blog anymore, anyway.
I don't know, life is just complex right now. Everyday my mind seems to be churning a million miles a second. But my body is so tired. I have no energy left by mid-day. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to give, and it's so frustrating. Lacking the energy or the motivation creates a dilemma in my life. I get anxious about stuff like I have butterfly wings flapping around in my gut, and other times I'm ecstatic. The ebb and flow of my world. Sometimes it's like I'm in a dreamland. Lately all I think about is the past and how much I miss certain idyllic things in my life. So consumed at times, that I lose focus of the present and the future. Other times the hurt of the past creeps up to haunt me and I fear that I will never be able to escape the pain of particular events. Some things trigger this ache in my heart more than others and it doesn't go away for awhile. This is what it's like to be alive. To experience all the good and bad and pain and joy. All of it intertwines to form this big complex ball of weirdness. It's good though. I'll take it. I just wish I could explain it better.

Life

Last week the weather was absolutely beautiful. I wrote in my journal last week: "I just hope spring is here to stay this time. No more freak snow storms in the middle of April. I pray that we'll have a long summer. After enduring what seemed like the longest winter of all time, I need this summer to recharge." Well, it's like the universe is flipping me off this week. Snow, snow and more snow. But, let's reflect on happier times, shall we? Last week Mike rode his bike to work most of the days and it was a blessed event because I had the car and I could go where ever I wanted to go! I did some shopping. Summer clothes shopping, that is. And I got a bunch of skirts, which I LOVE. My friend Rachel wears lots of skirts and she inspired me. I want to start wearing skirts all the time, not just Sundays. They are so comfy. And I feel like they define me as a person. Ha ha.

So back to last week. Last week was glorious. We built a fire in the back yard a few nights. I enjoyed sitting in my camping chair just reading my book by the heat of the flames. I love the smell of campfire smoke and the taste of roasted marshmallows. Nothing more summer-like than that.

Also, I went jogging everyday (but Thursday) last week. And I've always hated running in the past. But it felt incredible to run for the first time in a very, very long time. It was "me" time. My muscles felt strong and my heart was pumping like crazy. It was good for my body and mind. I felt happy. Maybe it was all those endorphins swimming around, or the warm weather, or just feeling strong, but a surge of elatedness filled my veins. Like falling in love for the first time. Like reliving a fond memory. It was so refreshing. Oh, and praise the heavens for my iPod, that's all I have to say.

Well, here's the big news for the week. I'm officially the Primary President. I was sustained and set apart on Sunday. I think this will be a good experience for me. I think I have good counselors and I believe we'll all work well together. To be quite honest, I don't think I have a lot to offer the Primary, so apparently there is something I personally need to learn from this calling. When Bishop set me apart he reminded me that my calling, as with any calling, is from God. And because God called me to this position, He will help me as I serve. That is good to know, because I need all the help I can get. Seriously. Anyway, I am going to miss teaching the Valiant class and my "easy" job as the Primary secretary. Although, I will have to teach sharing time, so my teaching responsibilities aren't completely gone. I mean, it's wonderful to teach these kids about the gospel because their young minds just soak it up. But it puts a lot of pressure on me to be a better example, ya know? Hmmmm. On Sunday Sharlo gave the most wonderful sharing time about the atonement and she brought the Spirit into the class. Rachel is also really good at teaching and presented an awesome sharing time lesson on Easter. I hope I can be as good as them. But then again, I think they are natural teachers. They have a gift. I have to work hard to be anything like them. At any rate, I'm pretty nervous and excited and a bit overwhelmed so throw out a prayer for me if you get a chance. Thanks. :)

In other news, Mike is on a roll with his tests. He's got the series 7 and 63 under his belt and now just needs....uh, how many more, babe? Like 4 more tests? Something like that. Congrats to him. He's all motivated and stuff, which I totally admire. And so dang smart too. Gotta love that kid.

We are just happy right now. And for me, I just think, "Finally" after such a long time of feeling down. It helps to have so many great friends. I was just telling Mike the other day that it kind of scares me. Because good things don't usually last. And I'm just waiting for something to come along and destroy this happy feeling. That's no way to live, right? I need to relish this moment. Because I haven't felt this good in years. YEARS. Like complete. Happy to be me. Unashamed. Like a spiritual awakening. I don't know what it is. But I really don't want it to go away. :)

Don't Let It Go Away

I'm on a weird but happy high. I am becoming more content with who I am. I am becoming more self-aware. But strangely, despite this self-awareness, I am becoming more aware of others. My life is climbing the long stairway up, and I am falling less and less. I worry about saying it out loud. I worry about writing it. It seems to fade faster when I do. I seem to jinx it when I verbalize my happiness. Sometimes I think life is so overwhelming, and other times I feel like it's just not enough. But right now it feels just right. And I don't want to lose this feeling.

What the French, Toast?

I just got done working out with my friend Rachel and thought I'd sit down and type up a post in my sweaty oversized T-shirt before heading upstairs to shower. I'm getting back into an exercise routine again, which I desperately need after the last few months of nothing. Well, I take that back, because at the end of January I was working out consistently 5 days a week for about 3 weeks. Then Rachel got sick one week, and then I got sick the next week, and our work out just hit the back burner for awhile. But we're slowly getting into it again! I'm glad I have a friend to motivate me.
Like I said, I was pretty sick towards the last part of February. Sick. As. A. Dog. It probably started the week before we went to Canada. I was just feeling "off" like something wasn't right. Just really, really tired, achy, and basically not 100% "me." Then while we were in Canada I got sick one night after dinner. During that weekend my illness was pretty controllable for the most part. I didn't feel like I wanted to die at that point at least. But the week after we got back things just spiraled down. On top of the unknown thing I was already dealing with I also got a UTI, which might be TMI for some of you, but whatever. I have no shame. I am prone to getting them....something to do with my Ph level and I realized that I get them more often when I consume a lot of sugar. I guess the sugar overload messes up my Ph level even more and well, if I'm not careful I can get a pretty serious infection. Long story short, the antibiotics I started taking did a number on my system. And they didn't even clear up the infection. I started feeling it in my kidneys and was worried it was going to turn into kidney infection (something I've had before and didn't want to get again, trust me.) The difficult part about finding the right antibiotic is that I'm allergic to several types and so eventually, I went to a new doctor and she was absolutely fantastic and gave me a 3 dose antibiotic that worked wonders. But before that happened I thought I was going to die. Have you ever felt so sick you just wanted to die? Well, I sure did that week. The previous medicine was making me so nauseous and tired and unable to function. Anyway, it's over now and I'm feeling back to normal, whatever "normal" is. At least I'm happier.
I seem to have had my ups and downs recently. For the past few months I was kind of in a "down" mode. But it feels like things are looking up again. Many good things have happened lately and I have a renewed excitement for life. Spring is on it's way and that does wonders for my mood. It's still a bit cold, but the sun is shining and by Tuesday the news says it will be 70 degrees. I can only pray that it lasts. I suffer from SAD (or seasonal affective disorder) and needless to say, it has been a very long winter here. So I am getting charged up for some warmth and sunshine and just being able to get outside more. Daylight savings time kind of messed me up though. Who makes up these things? I mean, I don't mind having more daylight in the summer, but it messes up a person's schedule, ya know? I think it's especially hard when you have a kid because their internal clock tells them it's time to get up or time to sleep at certain times, and when I'm used to putting Vessel down at 1pm for his nap, he probably feels like it's only noon. But I'll stop complaining because hey, it's not dark at 5pm anymore and that's a fabulous thing!
Speaking of Vessel, that kid cracks me up. I can't begin to count all the funny things he says throughout the day. However, he's starting to get a little bossy. He tells me what to do all the time. "Mommy sit down," "Mommy, read a book," "Mommy play Legos," etc., etc. And he throws quite a few tantrums these days. Those times are never fun, but a part of life I guess. I think the one thing that's getting on my nerves is "potty training." I'm starting to lose my patience. He was peeing in the toilet quite regularly for awhile, but for some reason just lost interest in it all together. It seems as though he's regressed and now he NEVER tells me when he needs to go. Even bribes don't work. Lollipops, stickers, big kid underwear....he'll have none of that. He's never wanted to poop in the toilet from the beginning. I don't know if he's scared or just lazy. :) But he WON'T poop in the toilet. I can sit with him in the bathroom all day and he'll hold it. But the second I put on his training pants he'll release it! Drives me MAD! I just feel bad for ever judging other parents for not getting their kid potty trained by a certain time. I've come to realize that parents have very little to do with it. In the end the child will make the decision when they're ready. But like I said, I'm losing patience! Does anyone have advice for this? I can't deny that he's a really good kid though. He actually amazes me with so many of the things he does and says every day. So I shouldn't pressure him with this.... :)
I'm getting more things to do lately, which is good I think. Having stuff to do keeps me from feeling like I'm not being productive. About a week ago I received some news from the bishop. He called me to be the Valiant teacher in Primary. I asked him if he was going to release me as the secretary in the presidency and he said "no" and that he wanted me to do both callings. I accepted the call and now I'm a teacher and the secretary. I suppose it's not too uncommon for people to have more than one calling, especially in a small ward. But I was kind of bummed out at first. I've had teaching callings in the past and I can get pretty nervous in front of a group of people. But after a day of thinking about it I started to feel happy. My new calling will force me to actually study and learn things that I probably wouldn't take the time to do on my own. And I've been telling myself that I want to study the gospel more, so whaddayaknow? Now I will. I've taught my class one time so far and I am astounded by how great the children are and how much they already know. They know stuff about the gospel I didn't know at their age. It's impressive. So anyway, church life is going really well right now.
In other parts of life, things are getting better too. I am finding more time to exercise, read, craft, and write. And I've had time to reflect on my life this past year (as I've mentioned a few posts back.) I've grown a lot even in this past month. I really want to hold on to this good feeling I have because I'm so tired of feeling in a slump!
There was more that I wanted to write, and I've even got some upcoming posts churning in my brain. But for now I should probably go wash the stink off before Mike gets home from work. To think he actually likes a broad who showers. Who knew? :)

A year later....

Last February I wrote this post. This is what it said:

Something happened. I got caught up in the day-to-day. I don’t even know who I am anymore. This reality just hit me like a ton of bricks. I often feel like life becomes a routine and I lose sight of my goals, I lose sight of myself, and I plateau. I think when I hear something over and over again it becomes so ingrained in me that I stop attaching meaning to it. And this is what I need to overcome. I need to find real meaning. I need to center myself and take a deep look at what’s under the skin. What defines me? What drives me, inspires me, motivates me? What am I passionate about, if anything? What are my beliefs and why are they so? What do I value? How strong is my faith? What experiences and ideas have brought me to this point? What am I good at? What do I know to be true without a doubt? These are all questions that need to be answered before I can feel very confident and comfortable with myself. This is going to be a year of reflection and learning. A year of self discovery. And hopefully a process that will allow much growth to come of it. There are some parts of myself that I have tucked away for too long because I was afraid. I want to be more fearless. I want to learn to embrace my quirks and idiosyncrasies instead of hiding them away shamefully. I want to stop relying so heavily on opinions that don’t matter. I want to find out who I really am. I know this sounds crazy, like why shouldn’t I know myself after almost 26 years? But I don’t. I’m determined to figure it out though. So, the quest begins.

It's almost been a year now and I feel like I have actually learned a lot about myself. So I am going to start a series called "Self Discovery" and post things that I have come to understand and know over the past year(s) about me and my life and all that fun stuff. So look forward to that in the next coming days.

A Historic Day and a Curious Thought

After watching the inauguration this morning and following the coverage for most of the day, I started thinking about something. Everybody is so excited to have the first "black" president. But really, he's only "half" black. Don't get me wrong, I like Obama. I think he's an honest man and will make a good president. But I get kind of annoyed at all the press focusing on him being "African American." I mean, if he was born looking more like his mother who was Caucasian, would we still feel the need to point out that he is "African American?" Would it be different if he looked "white?" If he was 1/4 or 1/8 black, would we still call him our first African American president? I am just curious, at what point does a person stop identifying themselves as a certain race? What makes Obama identify more with his "black" roots? And why is the focus on race such a huge thing in this instance?

On a side note, Vessel was so cute this morning while watching the inauguration with me. He has always known who Barack Obama is. And this morning I explained to him what was going on. Although he probably didn't fully understand, every time the crowd on the screen cheered, Vessel would clap along and say, "Yay! Barackobama present-net!" I LOVE that kid!

The Best Car Accident of my Life

Last month Vessel and I were in a car accident. The day that it happened was Mike's and my anniversary. I hadn't left the house all week just because of the bitter cold and ice on the roads. I'm not a fan of snowy, icy driving conditions, so I try to avoid it when possible. But I had to go to the post office THAT day to send off a package for Christmas. The crazy thing is that I was driving carefully. I was going under the speed limit, I had both hands on the wheel, I wasn't on the phone or playing with the radio buttons or anything like that. I can't quite explain what happened. I was approaching a one way street (where the traffic goes pretty fast.) I saw the red light too late, slammed on my brakes and slid through the intersection. To be honest, I really can't explain why I didn't see the light. In fact, I don't really remember much of anything until the point I was about to ram into fast moving traffic. There's something strange that happens to a person (me) when they realize they are going to crash their car. Everything goes in slow motion. I just remember closing my eyes tight and tensing my body. And then hearing a gut wrenching "crunch" sound as my car collided with another car. After it happened, I opened my eyes and looked around. I saw pieces of blue all over the road. I saw chunks of metal and glass strewn about as the traffic continued to maneuver past us. The next thing I did was look back at Vessel. He seemed unharmed. In fact he didn't even seem scared. That was a relief, but I was still in a state of shock. I started sobbing. The person in the other car wasn't getting out of their vehicle. I started to freak out. What if I hurt them? I could not live with myself if that was the case. I called 911 and then I called Mike. Eventually I tried to get out of the car but I could not open the driver's side door. I had to climb to the passenger side to get out. I went over to the other car and the driver (a middle-aged lady) got out. I was relieved. I was bawling to her. I couldn't stop apologizing and asking her if she was okay. I really didn't care at that point if I was okay. But the thought of hurting someone else, especially my own kid, was torturing my brain. Luckily, the lady I hit was exceptionally nice about the whole incident. I was worried that some person was going to jump out of the car and start yelling at me telling me what an awful driver I was, if not a horrible person all together. But she was so sweet and very calm. And Mike wasn't mad at me either. He never once blamed anything on me or told me I was a bad driver or lost his temper. He was so kind to me and only cared that we were all okay. All of this helped a great deal.
Anyway, when the police arrived to the scene they tried to get my information but I guess I was crying so hard they couldn't really understand me. I remember one of the officers telling me to just breathe and calm down. I did calm down, but then I started thinking "What if I would've hurt or killed someone?" And the crying started all over again. After several minutes I got myself together and sat inside the police van answering questions. And that went on for awhile. Vessel was fascinated with the fire engine and the big tow truck that came to take our car away. Fortunately he wasn't traumatized by the accident. But all I could think of was "How could I do this?"
Okay, rewind a year earlier. It was October and Mike and I were in the market for a second car. With Mike and his job and school schedule and my crossing job and upcoming semester we felt like it was necessary. We started looking at used cars and some cheaper newer models. We ended up liking a new Mitsubishi Lancer ES we saw online. We went to a few dealerships, and none of them had the car we were looking for. But lo and behold, a dealership in Salt Lake had this blue beauty, a 2008 Mitsubishi Lancer GTS. Not the car we had originally set our sights on, but it was definitely an awesome car. Long story short, the Nazi car dealer convinced us to buy it. We thought it was a great idea for some reason (well at first, until the buyers remorse kicked in afterwards.) We calculated the payments and realized we could actually afford this new car. (At the time we both worked and had scholarships to pay for school, etc. etc.) So being young and silly, we got the car. And boy, was it NICE. Maybe a little too nice for my blood. I've never been into cars. I've always figured something that could get me from point A to point B would work just fine. And I don't consider myself a materialistic person. But this car was awesome. We loved it. And we took good care of it. And basically, it rocked.
Okay, now fast forward 8 months. Mike takes a job in Montana and away we go. We try to sell the car before moving in hopes of getting a different car for the Montana lifestyle. (you know, like a big beefy truck or something. :)) It didn't sell so we took it with us. We loved our car and loved driving it. But really, it wasn't made for Montana. And we soon realized that when winter came. The car had low profile tires on custom made 20" rims. It was not built to handle snow and ice. So for the last couple of months Mike and I were praying and fasting about our car situation. We had just bought our first house and with that payment along with other bills and unforeseen financial dilemmas, we thought it would be in our best interest to try to sell the car again. But with the economy the way it was, nobody was in the market to buy a car, especially not OUR car. We prayed hard that we'd be able to sell it or find a way to afford it or get another car that was better equipped for Montana weather. A few people called about the car and got our hopes up, but nothing ever came of it.
And then....the accident happened. Today I was just informed by the insurance company that they are considering it a total loss. Yup, I totaled our beautiful car. One might think that's a pretty crappy thing to happen. And it is. But here's the blessing in disguise. I think it was an answer to our prayers. I know it might sound crazy, but it has to be. With it considered a total loss, the insurance company will cut us a check for the amount of the car and we can pay it off and be relieved from our debt. And here's where things get even crazier. We had just gotten a new insurance policy. When I say "just got" I mean like a week prior to the accident. For the last 6 months of living in Montana we were still insured by a company in Utah, that unfortunately only covered Utah drivers. So if we had still been under their policy, they would not have covered our accident AT ALL. So we had barely gotten full coverage on the car for Montana. The other crazy thing is that the timing was so impeccable. I think about the accident and how it all played out. If I had been going one second faster than I was, the other lady would have T-boned our car and would've hit Vessel straight on. Heavenly Father was definitely looking out for us in that regard. Nobody got hurt. Didn't even have to go to the hospital. Looking at how messed up the car was, I'm pretty surprised nobody was injured. That fact opened my eyes to a lot of things. For the past few months before the accident I had been dealing with some serious depression issues. I'll spare the details, but I was pretty unhappy with myself as a person. The accident was kind of a wake up call for me. I say that because when I think about what could've happened, it sure could have been a lot worse. It made me realize how important life is. And how I needed to pull myself together and get out of the rut I was in. I know I must sound all dramatic, but I really do believe that. I think the accident was good in so many ways. It made me see that life could be a heck of a lot worse. If my experience wasn't divine intervention, I don't know what is. So I had this huge eye opener, and our car situation that we had been praying about was resolved. The power of prayer is amazing.
Right now I don't have a car to drive, but I'm not too upset about it. Sometimes it's hard being cooped up in the house all day. But then I have to remember how blessed we are. And by spring time Mike will be riding his bike to work and I can drive the car. And I suppose if I really wanted to I could get up early to drive Mike to work and then pick him up afterward. And maybe we'll get a cheap used car that we can afford soon. Who knows, there are a lot of options I guess.

We miss the blue car and it was great fun while it lasted. But we realize there are more important things in life than a car, even if that car is WAAAAY sweet. :)

Rest in pieces, Burple.

Good-bye 08

Ups of 2008

~Getting my Bachelor's degree
~Going on a 9 day cruise with Mike to the Western Caribbean to celebrate our graduation
~Vessel using the toilet (however, only to go "pee-pee", not "poops" yet)
~Buying a house we can call our own
~People here that I can truly call my friends
~Our trip to Canada
~Having family come visit us
~Mike having a job he enjoys and the financial security that comes with it
~Mike and I hitting 5 years of marriage and still going strong
~Experiences that were both spiritually and emotionally strengthening

Downs of 2008

~Lost friendships
~Depression
~Our first apartment in MT
~Personal disappointments
~Wasted time and unfinished projects
~The car accident (this deserves it's own post at a later time)
~Weight gain (tsk tsk)
~Not taking better care of myself physically and mentally
~Doubts (in several areas of my personal life)
~Periods of lonliness

Tomorrow Is a New Day

Well, November has come and gone. That went by rather quickly. So did October. I hope December lasts a little longer. I really love the Christmas season and I just want to savor it this year.
Our week was a bit up and down. If you read my previous post you know that the boy child was sick for a few days. He was all better by Thanksgiving. But then I got sick the day after. Not the same kind of sick, luckily. Just a cold, and fortunately it has about run it's course and I am feeling better now.
Anyway, besides the illnesses the week went well. Wednesday we had a get together at our house with some new found friends. I made some homemade cheesy potato soup and rolls and Mike made some chicken kabobs. Our friends brought salad and beverages. It was a fun night and Mike was excited that he got to play his Risk 2210 A.D. game with a group of people (finally.) Smiles were had by all.
The next day was Thanksgiving, and somehow by some miracle we slept until 10 a.m. Well, the boy child DID wake up around 5:30 or 6:00 the first time, but we managed to get him to go back to sleep until 10. It was a leisurely morning. I was happy that we made all our Thanksgiving food the day before (pie, salad, cranberry relish.) The only thing I had to do was bake some rolls. Lesa, who invited us to her house made the rolls but needed us to bake them in our oven since hers was occupied by a turkey. I am thankful for John and Lesa for inviting us to their home for Thanksgiving so we wouldn't have to spend it alone. Although their entire family was there, we had a good time and it wasn't as awkward as I imagined. It was a pretty stress free holiday, which is more than I can say for the host. How are you holding up anyway, Lesa? Their family has a tradition of playing family bingo every year and so we participated in that and went away with some pretty awesome loot for prizes.
It was so nice to spend the rest of the weekend with Mike. I really love any time that he is home and the boy child loves it too. It actually hurts my feelings sometimes because if Mike is home, it's like I don't even exist to the boy child. :( He just loves his dad so much and loves hanging around with him doing "man" stuff, whatever that is.
Anyway, tomorrow is the start of a new week and a new month. I hope it's a great one!