Book Review--For Those of Us Who Struggle with the Past

     For a long time I’ve struggled with the idea of forgiveness and I believe for many years it was this way because my definition of forgiveness was so distorted. Growing up I was taught to “forgive and forget,” and this seemed so impossible to me. Although I tried hard to forgive, I could not forget past wrongdoings or betrayal. I held on like the last leaf that holds to the barren branch of winter. I could not let go. I would not let go. And then I read 2 books that helped me.

       
     The first book is Forgive for Good by Fred Luskin. This book put things into perspective and addressed my misconceptions of forgiveness. It made me realize that forgiving is not forgetting. It made me understand that forgiveness does not have to mean reconciliation. Forgiveness is not for the offender, but instead, it’s for the offended. It is a means to find peace within ourselves when the anger and hurt of the past has tattered our souls. I really liked this book because it was very easy to understand. The simplicity of Dr. Luskin’s words and methods were a key component for me because I can’t stand to read a bunch of medical jargon that doctors or psychologists sometimes add in the pages of their works. Although he uses examples and analogies (which I liked,) Luskin gets right to the point. I know that I can have unrealistic expectations of others. Luskin talks in depth about unenforceable rules and how to stop setting rules for other people. I think it’s fair to say that most people want to control everything that happens in their lives, and when things do not go the way they expect, it makes them angry, myself included. I love how Luskin highlights the fact that we can't control how other people act, but we can control how we react to them. I can’t force others to love me, to treat me fairly, or to never hurt or lie to me. I can't force others to give me time, affection or attention. But I can give to others those things. That realization really gave me a sense of empowerment.

 

     The second book I would recommend is Forgiveness is a Choice by Dr. Robert Enright. He suggests similar, yet different, methods of coping with anger. He also discusses a number of problems associated with harboring anger. He says that “anger affects our bodies,” distressing our adrenal levels, heart rate, blood pressure, digestive functions, and so on. The anger, if kept inside, eats away at the body and mind like a disease. There have been times that I have been so upset or emotionally hurt that I have physically made myself sick. A lot of those physical ailments other people can’t see just by looking. But when we have pent up anger it shows in our countenance. Just like when we are happy we sometimes have a jump in our step, we might smile, or we are kinder to people without even realizing it. When we harbor anger, (whether recent or lodged deep in the back of our minds) it shows on our outward appearance. We don’t smile, we might slouch, and we might just put out a “vibe” that says we’re not happy. People are extremely intuitive and can tell when something is bothering someone without them verbally making it known. There have been times in my own life when things weren’t going so well, and it was amazing to hear people comment on how I looked different (even though I wasn’t trying to look upset.) The same goes for when things were going really great in my life. People would say “you are just glowing.” I assume emotions have a way of leaking out into the way we carry ourselves and act, even when we try to suppress them. Many actions are subconscious of the thoughts going on in our minds. Unless we are really good at acting, harboring anger will show itself on the outside one way or another.

 

     Hopefully I’m not giving the wrong impression. These books are not about suppressing anger, they are about controlling anger. Enright states, “Anger, like other emotions, must be controlled. Suppressing legitimate anger is unhealthy. Continually venting anger is also unhealthy.” We need to find the balance in ourselves.

      
     So there are 2 options. Forgiving and moving forward with life is one. The less than healthy alternative is staying angry, bitter, unforgiving and completely miserable with life. I’ve come to find out that this alternative doesn’t help me or anyone else around me. I’m really learning that we aren’t forced to feel the way we do. We can take our circumstances and make the most of them. I believe people are not given anything in life that they are incapable of handling. It’s just that some people choose to handle their severe circumstances in remarkable ways.

      
     When my mom died unexpectedly, it was an enormous wake-up call for my family. Some realized that life is too short and decided to start living life with more meaning and purpose. Others in my family still have anger issues and resentment. Nobody knows exactly why some things happen to them, but I’m a firm believer that certain things happen to specific people for a reason. I should count my blessings and realize there’s option 1 which is to forgive, progress, and make the best out of bad situations or option 2 which is to remain stuck in the past continually reliving anger from minor grudges for the rest of my life. And I’m sure some of you might say that you don’t hold a grudge. Well, I thought that too, but I was wrong, or in denial. These books opened up my eyes and I’m glad I read them.

 

     One thing I thought that was really interesting was how Enright emphasized the importance of teaching forgiveness at a young age. I agree with this because if we can instill proper forgiveness principles in young people they will be able to apply the methods by the time they hit their teenage years. Now that I have a child, I want to set the best example I possibly can and foster love and affection at a young age so that as Vessel and my other children grow into adolescence they will be able to offer love and forgiveness freely instead of out of obligation. For instance, I have been around parents who teach their children it’s a must to ask for forgiveness or to apologize for doing something wrong. My sweet one year old was pushed over by an older play mate once and the mom of the bully told her child “Say you’re sorry or I’ll take that toy away!” (or lose some other privilege.) Even at this age that mom is teaching that there has to be an incentive for apologizing (not because it would be the right thing to do) and my son, although still very young, is seeing that forgiving must involve an apology. It’s easy for kids to grow up thinking that way and when they become teenagers it is already a learned thing to expect an apology or reconciliation to take place or to forgive because “that’s just what you do” or “because I said so and I’m the parent.”

 

     It’s always been hard for me to want to forgive others, especially if they weren’t apologetic. I want them to acknowledge the hurt they caused and feel sorry for it. But now I’m starting to see from reading these books that forgiveness doesn’t have to follow an apology. Forgiveness of someone doesn’t even have to be known to the other individual. Forgiveness is merely a tool that fixes the hearts of those who hurt. So I am trying hard to focus more of my attention on fixing myself, regardless of what the other person may or may not feel.

 

     There is another author, McKay, whose work I’ve been reading that has helped me lately as well. He says that “anger destroys relationships…The tissue of a relationship gets thickened and scarred. And finally you both become insensitive to pain and pleasure.” He also states that letting it out doesn’t get you what you want. “What you want is to be listened to, appreciated, cared for. Anger gets you coldness, withdrawal, and anger in return. Letting it out feels good. But it's like smoking crack: a five-minute high, followed by depression, pain, and emotional bankruptcy.

     This statement seems very true as I’ve experienced both ends of the stick. I’ve “exploded” on people before, basically letting out all my anger and frustration and it usually gets me nothing good in return. When others let out anger on me I become distant and cold towards them to protect myself. But keeping the anger in will only eat you up inside, so what do you do?

     I think you have to find a happy medium, as Enright suggests. You have to let the anger out somehow, but shouldn’t “explode” on other people. McKay suggests channeling your anger. Use the energy of feeling angry to do something positive like exercising, working in the garden, creating something, writing, playing music, etc. He also recommends listing the positive and negative consequences of getting angry or “letting it out” and at the end of the exercise you are supposed to ask yourself “Did anger get me what I wanted?” Enright talks about journal writing, which for me has been very therapeutic. I don’t share my journal with others, since it’s really for my benefit only. Channeling the anger through writing, art, or exercising has been a way for me to get the energy out without destroying a relationship (in most circumstances. I’m still working on it!)
It has been extremely difficult in past situations, but I am now carefully choosing what my mind will “rent space” to.  

     The forgiveness process isn’t easy, nor is it short and simple, but it is one of the most beneficial concepts I have ever learned. And these books have really contributed to my progress.
If you are curious about anger management and forgiveness techniques, or if you're curious to know what anger style you display check out this site.

To read pages from Luskin's book, click here.