Have you ever had one of those days? Or one of those weeks? I’m having one of those weeks. It’s just not going well for me lately. For the past little while I’ve been having lots of vivid dreams about my mom. I miss her terribly. I would give anything to just be able to call her up and talk to her. As much as I try to push her death out of my mind, there’s always something that reminds me. I just want to talk to her about motherhood and ask her questions and tell her all about Vessel and life in general. I want to be able to ask her advice and share things with her mother to mother. For some reason it’s all just catching up to me now. It’s been over a year since her passing and I am just now seriously feeling the effects. Seems like a delayed reaction. Is this normal? I feel angry sometimes, like the timing was so wrong. She left too soon. It seems unfair. It’s not fair that her 24 year old daughter had to make the arrangements for her funeral and it’s not fair that her 20 year old daughter, totally inexperienced with the so-called “real world,” had to watch her mom and best friend die in her arms after trying to resuscitate her. These things shouldn’t happen, yet they do. God works in mysterious ways. But I have yet to uncover the mystery of my mom’s death. Why her? Why then? Why in that way? It was so unexpected. Maybe if she had some terminal illness it would’ve been easier. I’d have a chance to say the things I wanted say and tell her good-bye. I’d have an idea of her wants and wishes. But no, it was so abrupt. And the regrets are unbearable sometimes. I kick myself for all my “should haves.” I just really miss her and nobody seems to understand how hard it still is.
General conference was this past weekend and I was really excited to be able to listen to the talks. I felt like I needed some spiritual uplifting and comforting words. But unfortunately, I didn’t get to listen to most of conference for various reasons, so I am sad about that. And it seems that this past week has been a struggle spiritually for me and I can feel the void in my heart from slacking off on stuff I should be doing better at.
Today I had a rock in my gut that never went away. I feel like people are judging me when they don’t even know me. They don’t know what kind of person I really am. They just make assumptions. I have some indication that certain people look down on me and my decisions by the subtle things they say and do. Unfortunately they fail to understand or recognize my circumstances and reasoning.
Today even strangers have been so mean to me. After my crossing guard shift I had to go turn off the school zone lights. To do that I have to make a left hand turn to get to the switchboard. Well, while I was waiting for a break in traffic to make my turn, the people behind me were none too pleased to have to wait behind me so they laid on their obnoxious horn and yelled obscenities out their window at me, making sure to call me an F-ing b*tch and other choice names. Not only that, but in the same day I got honked at by another lady because I tried being nice by letting someone else go in front of me. To top it off, while I was at a stop light later this afternoon, from the corner of my eye I noticed a lot of movement taking place in the car next to me. So I looked over to find two men waving at me. I didn’t recognize them so I didn’t wave back and just turned away. I looked over at them again and they were still waving and making obscene gestures with their mouths and hands and generally being gross and offensive while continuing to get me to wave at them. I shook my head “no” so they flipped me off several times while mouthing the words F-U. Then when the light turned green they steadily stayed right next to my car and wouldn’t let me pass them. It was scary since I was the only one in the car (Vessel and Mike weren’t with me at the time.) What is the world coming to? There are so many crude and mean people these days. That last incident in the car was what really threw me over the edge and I just broke down and cried. I needed a good cry though, since there had been so many things eating at me all week. But tomorrow’s a new day and I suppose there’s no other way to go but up.
9 comments:
Sounds like it has been a rough week for you Jamie. I'm sorry. I hope I am not one of those that made it harder.
I know some people may read this and tell you to just pull yourself together and move on, but you know what? It is NOT that simple nor is it that easy. I've had a small taste of what you mean when you talk about those little promptings that you put off, only to later regret. But what can you do? Regret will only bring you down lower, and in this case it is one of the tools Satan uses to work on us, to depress our spirits and make us more easily affected by his other tools of destruction.
I am still stunned by the sudden death of my own father. Yes, he was getting old. Yes, he had not been himself for some time and Yes, he was not well... but gosh, seriously I thought the time I saw him last (6 weeks earlier) that he could go on like that for years. The phone call was sudden and his death was unexpected. I still cry everytime I think about him or look at his picture. I suspect that will be the case for a long time.
My regrets - are not so much that I did not spend more time with him at the end, nor that I was not there when he passed on. My biggest regret, the one that tears at my soul, is that I was not a better friend to my Dad. He was a great guy.
You were a GREAT friend to your Mom Jamie, I know that for a fact! Instead of feeling those regrets about the little things that didn't come about that last little while, you should celebrate all the great things you did together and the wonderful friendship you had with each other... because really - that is what you had, and will have when you see her again. For that you can be glad - not that you won't ever feel the need to cry, because that in itself can be healing, but mostly you can smile and be glad of heart that you loved each other!
I love you!
Gramma Rose
Hang in there. We all have crappy days. I totally love you and am here for you if you need me.
It seems like stupid things strangers do to offend us shouldn't get to us, but sometimes they are all it takes to make an okay day just horrible. It makes you want to curl up in a corner sometimes when you realize how terribly people, including us, can be treated...
I am so sorry about the sad thoughts you have been having about your mom. Regarding your question, I do think it is normal to have a delayed reaction to a death. I'm not sure why this is, but it happens. When my grandma died (who I was close to and loved very much), I did not cry or feel very bad like I thought I should have. It was nearly a year later, after finding a picture of her in the basement, that the emotion caught up to me and felt real. I finally cried. Dealing with loss is a process that is much longer than the funeral. Sometimes you never get to 'deal' with it, so to speak. It's good enough to say that the feeling of loss will come and go, but hopefully it will become easier to cope with.
If there is anything I can do for you, please ask! And, hey, we still need to make bread sometime. I haven't forgotten. :)
--Karen
hey jamie,
i'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. i believe that a delayed reaction is totally normal. this is completely different, i know, but i experienced something similar when 9/11 happened. at the time i didn't feel anything, i was so numb. i was mainly caught up in the factual logistics of it. then a few months later i found a magazine that had all these photos of that day, and there was one of a woman in a business suit covered in blood sitting on the side of the road sobbing. and i totally broke down for the first time and had a very difficult week never being able to stop crying for the horrible thing that had happened. it is a normal mechanism for our bodies and minds to withhold the true effect of trauma in our lives for a time, both physically and mentally. i don't really understand it because it seems like it would make more sense for us to feel that anguish when the event is actually happening rather than it happening randomly when we're completely unprepared. but it seems that that's the way it goes for almost any horrible thing that happens.
it's my opinion that you shouldn't try to stave off sadness about your mom. really give into it, feel sorry and sad about it, feel horrible, engage in activities that bring up memories and do whatever you have to do to expell that sadness from your heart. i believe it's very cleansing to do that, to recognize and honor and do justice for the completely-warranted devastation you are experiencing. it never completely goes away, of course, but i don't think it's a good idea to put it off because it seems silly to wallow in it at this seemingly late date.
it's so horrible that people would treat you so terribly when you're just doing your job or even being nice to people. you're a much better person than me for not flipping them off or yelling back at them. :)
i hope that i am not one of those people making your life harder with unspoken judgments. if there is a perception of that from me, please tell me so we can work it out, ok? i know completely what you are talking about and i am struggling with that right now as well, passive-aggressive unpleasantness from some people. i think you and mike are amazing people and you're working so hard to create a wonderful life for each other and your son. i'm sorry you're getting crap like that.
i hope that you will get a chance to listen to conference and find the spiritual edification that you need.
Jamie I'm sorry too to hear with the things that you have had to go through, and are going through right now. I love what your Grandma said, she is so wise. I hope her words of wisdom will help you in someway and just know that I'm thinking of you!
Hey Jamie, sorry it's been so rough lately. Your Grandma seems to know exactly what to say in the matter so I'll leave it to her, but just know that I think you are wonderful. Always have, always will. You're a great mother, wife and friend!
what an outpouring of love you guys. i didn't expect so many responses to this. but thanks to everyone who commented to show their concern and love, as well as chris and rebekah who emailed me. i have such wonderful friends. next time i need some comforting words i guess all i have to do is vent on the internet. :)
aw.... im sorry you are having a bad week. if it will cheer you up, you can laugh at me for trying to make posts on my blog! i really dont know how to make them look very good yet! hey, how is that party planning going?!
Jamester, I think it is definitely healthy to feel like you are. I am one of those "What if..." people. Even right after buying a car, I am still on the internet looking for more cars wondering if I made the right choice. Obviously a little different scenario, but my point is that hindsight is always 20/20. It is easy to look back and see what you should have done. I think the truly happy and successful people are able to turn these types of experiences into the most positive possible. I have no idea what it is like to lose someone, and I can't imagine what kind of feelings you are having, but hopefully it helps you remember all the great experiences you shared. If you are unhappy, you are truly good at hiding it. I always love being around you, because you make it hard to be in a bad mood. Don't let the "should haves" get ya down, cuz ya can't do anything about 'em. Enjoy the present, remember the past, and always look what you have in front of you. Man that was cheesy. I'll stop now.
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