The lesson I taught in my Young Women class a few weeks ago was concerning “Keeping Family History Records.” There are various ways to do this. There are the common pedigree charts and family group records to fill out as a means of mapping out your genealogy. Family history can be in the form of video or audio tapes. I remember my great-grandma Jessie told her life story on a cassette tape. What made that so wonderful was just being able to hear her sweet voice as she spoke of her life events. With all the technology available to us these days, there are several unique ways to keep records of individuals to pass down to future generations. Scrapbooks can be a type of family history as well. Among my mother’s things I have found numerous photographs of my ancestors that I am now putting into a scrapbook. These black and white snapshots are invaluable to me. Another way to comprise a family history record is by keeping a journal. I’ve had the opportunity of reading about some of my great-great-great grandparents and it is incredibly interesting to me.
Not too long ago I pulled out all of my old journals (approximately 22 thick notebooks written from front to back) dating back to 1994. I had to laugh at some of my entries because I was so meticulous with details when I was younger. Some entries discussed the very mundane of issues, from what the weather was like that day to what I ate for dinner. Sometimes I even wrote down exact quotes: She said, “…..” and I said, “…..” As I got older my entries became more serious and heartfelt. Writing has always been very therapeutic for me. My journals have been, and still are, my escape or my emotional outlet; a place to vent and to express the most intimate thoughts in my head. Nobody (except a choice few) has ever read them. They are very personal to me as I discuss some things I’d rather not share with the rest of the world. This is where my moral dilemma comes into play. How can I expect my journals to be a family history record if I don’t want my posterity to read them? Am I being stupid or selfish? These are MY words and MY thoughts and they’re some of the few things I can claim as my own and nobody else’s.
This week I have been typing up the first journal I ever composed, for a couple of reasons. One is because several of the entries were written in pencil and are nearly faded by now. So I am typing it up in an attempt to preserve it. (Unfortunately I am not able to preserve what my handwriting looked like at the time, but I suppose it’s less important than the actual material inside.) Secondly, I am typing it so that I can cut out things that I consider worthless. As I read I can’t help but want to edit several remarks. I have regrets regarding certain things I’ve written, especially about others. Of course, when I wrote those things, it was how I felt at the time. So is it fair to “delete” it just because I don’t feel that way anymore? Sad to think that I spent so much time writing about people who hurt me. There are several things within the pages of my journals that I don’t want to remember or that I don’t wish for my posterity to read. When I started keeping a journal, it was purely for my benefit alone and I never considered that my children or grandchildren might read it's contents someday. Now I’m a mother and realize that it could very easily happen unless I get rid of them. I guess I just don’t want my children to see me as the person I was then, but as who I am today. I’m a different person now. But, I guess I wouldn’t be who I am today without my past. So, is it right for me to edit words or even entire entries because I don’t agree with certain things anymore? If I “erase” all the harrowing incidents of my life, I suppose it’s not really painting an accurate picture of who I am.
Now, after that lesson I taught, I’m striving to write good things in my journal. Uplifting moments or events that inspire me or people and things that make me feel happy. Those are the things I really want to remember. Maybe I should have a “negative” journal that I can write in when I’m angry or frustrated and just need to get some aggression out, and then I can burn it when it’s full. Because, like I said, it feels so good to get things out of me and onto paper during times like that. This way I won't harbor my feelings, yet I won't have to burden others with my ranting. Nobody wants to hear that, right? I just want to be more positive when I write. I don’t want it to be “fake” or full of happy little ideas that aren’t exactly “me.” But I want my descendants to read about the GOOD things, the important things, my spiritual experiences and my appropriate thoughts and feelings. Yes, I have written about these types of things in the past too, but those are all intermingled with negative entries as well. When I read back, my history is laden with words, phrases, ideas, and events that are somewhat dark and callous. I’d rather just remember the positive…so, as of now I don’t know what to do with all of my journals for sure. Should I go through and edit them all or leave them as they are?
3 comments:
it sounds like you have the same exact questions i do. i think about my old journal, and i am so embarrassed and ashamed about some of the things i talked about and said - because i was so mean or judgmental or cold-hearted or what have you. that's why i started a new journal - so i could conscientiously attempt to be a kinder person. i have relapses and it's those entries, the ones that i regret later, that i really have a hard time with, wondering if should keep them or not. i've decided to keep them if they reflect on my current situation. but if i've made a lot of negative commentary without any real purpose but venting, i usually discard it. i think one of the best reasons for posterity to read what we've left behind is to learn something, and i don't see anything valuable in such negativity. i have decided to keep my very old journal entries, though, because i hope they'll reflect on the positive changes i made in my life at a later time. so maybe you could look at it that way.
Jamie, you sound exactly like me when it comes to old journals. I have over 20 now, like you do, and as I have been reading them recently I know that I definitely don't want anyone else to read some of the things I've written. I've been unsure of what to do, not certain if I should even keep them. Like you, I'm afraid that holding on to them could cause some serious grief to people who read them in the future. I think your idea of 'editing' them as you type them up is actually quite a good idea, and I think I might do the same. That way, if there are things I need to burn or rip up or throw away (so dramatic!), I'll have the important things recorded. Those stupid thoughts or feelings I wrote on a whim aren't all that important in the long run. Just keep your personality in the writing, and it will be fine. Thanks for this entry!
If there are negative entries in your journals that you would rather not have your kids read, you could replace them with a short note explaining the events and feelings you were going through at the time.
So, instead of reading three pages of: "Vanilla Ice is a blankity-blank blank for pretending to be from the 'hood when he's really a lazy middle-class blank-blank from the suburbs," they could just read, "When I found out that Vanilla Ice was not 'for real,' I felt hurt and betrayed by my childhood hero. I wrote some things that I am now ashamed of, and have since learned to express my feelings in a more appropriate manner."
That way your posterity will still see all of the events and feelings that formed your character, but they won't have to read specific details that may be embarrassing or unnecessary to get the point across.
And editing your journals is a scripturally sound principle. When the prophets of the Book of Mormon were putting the book together, they were essentially editing their journals and the journals of their predecessors so that their posterity could get right to the important stuff.
Just my two cents...
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