Questions

     I have to admit that I've really enjoyed being "calling free" since moving to our new ward.  Not that I don't enjoy callings in the church or that I'm unwilling to serve, but it's been a nice change going from teacher to the one being taught.  Attending Sunday school and Relief Society these past few months has undoubtedly been beneficial for me.
     A few weeks ago the RS teacher started off her lesson by saying that after 30 years of seeking an answer to a particular question/problem, she finally received it.  She described how she came to realize that the many experiences she had over the past 30 years had merely been stepping stones bringing her closer to reaching the answer.  And finally, the culmination of those events materialized and the answer she had been seeking just kind of HIT her.  How awesome to finally "get" something after trying to understand it for that many years!
     I listened to her speak and thought about my own struggles to understand certain gospel concepts lately.  In fact, I have been trying to "grasp" one specific gospel principle for a few years now.  And being rather unsuccessful in my quest has definitely weighed heavily on my heart and mind.  However, this teacher's experience gave me hope.  As her lesson progressed, I got the feeling in my heart that I too will be able to find answers to my questions, if I am faithful and continue studying, praying, and seeking for the truth.  It might take years, but with patience, maybe I'll eventually understand some of the things about the gospel that just don't make sense to me right now.
     This year I celebrated my 30th birthday and, to be honest, it felt incredibly dreadful to leave my 20's behind.  But as I look back on the past ten years, I can see considerable growth and change that has taken place inside of me.  I have gained an abundance of personal insights about various topics that used to plague my mind with never ending questions.  Just as an example, one of those topic is the atonement of Jesus Christ.  I mean, for a long time I never really "got it."  Obviously, I'd heard several talks in sacrament meeting about it, I'd participated in lessons about it, and I'd read about it.  But it wasn't until I went through a rather heart-breaking period of time that the atonement became such an applicable part of my life.  It took on new meaning and I understood it in a way I had never understood it before.  It wasn't just an idea anymore, it was a relevant, almost tangible truth.  I am grateful for the many learning experiences like this one I've had over the years.   
   It's amazing and such a blessing how people and their ideas can change over time.  For instance, I was just looking back on some old blog posts of mine and was blown away by how differently I view these issues now.  If you read that post, you'll see how determined I was to hold onto my belief that being gay is a choice.  But in the past 5 years since writing that post, I've been given opportunities to interact with gay people, even faithful gay Mormons, and family members of those gay individuals.  It has certainly allowed me to gain more insight, especially in regards to homosexuality and the LDS church.  To sum it up, I no longer believe homosexuality is a choice.  These are just a couple of examples, but in reality, these past ten years have been a time of really processing ideas, developing personal opinions, and even establishing a sense of peace pertaining to ideologies I have, at one time or another, struggled to comprehend.
     That being said, I know new questions will always arise.  Just like now, I've got a myriad of unanswered gospel questions on my mind that I am dying to figure out.  Fortunately, that RS teacher rekindled my faith that I will gain the knowledge and understanding I am so desperately seeking right now.  And if it takes me 30 years, or even a lifetime, so be it.  I am not going to give up and I am not going to get hung up on things I don't have an answer for YET.  I need to hold onto the things I already know to be true.  More truth and answers will come to me "line upon line, precept upon precept" and in the Lord's own due time.  This life is all about learning, right?  I can't expect to know everything in the beginning.  That's just the way it has to be.  If we all had the answers and understood everything perfectly, there would be no learning or growth in this life, and basically our time here on earth would be pointless.  So I will press forward and I believe understanding will eventually come concerning these new questions I'm facing, just as it has for me so many times before.