Screw you, Mother's Day

Today at church the women received flowers for Mother's Day. I was given an orange flower. Not that it should be significant in any way. But orange was my mom's favorite color, so obviously I thought about her and missed her more after they put it in my hands.

In other news. It's been a pretty hard couple weeks for me. So many things I haven't had time to talk about. I've basically fallen into a dark hole. It's a combination of events and thoughts that have sort of pushed me to the edge.

I actually wrote this awhile ago in my journal, but it seemed fitting being mother's day and all:

"Pregnancy and my body just don't seem to get along. Being pregnant is one of the hardest things to endure (at least for me.) Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to DEATH. But pregnancy is a less than desirable experience. Of course there are awesome parts, like feeling the baby move or seeing the baby on the ultrasound. But I don't like not feeling in control of my body. Like my body is not my own anymore. Being sick, throwing up, having no energy, & being an emotional wreck isn't on my list of "fun" things. I am so tired of feeling sick everyday. Pregnancy wipes me out. I wish husbands (or men in general) understood what it was like. Mike is very supportive, but a part of me wonders if he thinks pregnancy is just an excuse for me to be totally lazy. I curse those women who feel absolutely amazing during pregnancy, because I certainly don't. It's one of the worst feelings. Most nights after we put the kids to bed, I crash into my own bed still wearing my clothes and practically fall into a coma until 3 or 4 in the morning when I have to pee so bad I am forced to get up. At that point I realize my mouth feels like something died in it because I didn't brush my teeth before falling asleep. And it sucks because many things have fallen by the wayside, like scripture study and night time prayer. Night time is when I feel the worst. That's when the nausea and exhaustion hit the hardest. On top if that I have so much packing and preparing to do, but everyday I feel so tired. It's hard not to feel like a failure. I'm lucky if I even take a shower or put on clothes other than sweat bottoms. I rarely fix my hair or put on make-up anymore. I feel so slobby. And unattractive. It's a real downer to my self esteem which only adds to the horrible feeling I have already. In fact, I cried the other night because I am just so tired of feeling this way. I'm in my second trimester now, so I thought I might be feeling better. But nope. At any rate, I am looking forward to some kind of relief."

I know this is all about complaining. I'm sure I'll get flack for that. Some woman can't even have babies. And isn't motherhood wonderful! Motherhood is a divine calling! It is a precious gift to bring children into the world and raise those children. (At least that's what was pounded into my brain at church today.) Most days I believe that. But when I feel like roadkill everyday, or like my brain is only half functioning, or the kids are cranky or disobedient, it's hard to have such a positive outlook. And when Mother's Day rolls around, I get a little bitter because it's just a reminder to me that I don't have a mother. It's also a reminder of all the ways I feel like I'm failing as a mom. I should feel happy, right? (yay, a day just for me!) But I just feel like nobody understands. "This too shall pass..."