Please, just let it go, okay?

To: __________________

I was just informed by a friend of your most recent display of hostility towards me. You say you want me out of your life and yet all you do is talk about me behind my back. One would think that if you no longer wanted me in your life then you would just let go and stop thinking of me all together. But how can you stop thinking of me when you continue to speak evil of me? If you insist on hating me because you just can't let go and forgive then that is no longer on my shoulders. I know I was mean to you at one point in our past, but I have attempted several times to make amends. There is only so much that I can do. I think you've forgotten that you aren't the only one who got hurt. And yet, even now I sincerely have no ill feelings towards you and wish you would just feel the same about me. I am not the person I was back then. I have changed. I have different views now and I have opened my mind to new ideas. I have grown and matured. I've been working on being a more peaceful and loving person. But you won't allow me to change. You just want to focus on some injustice you've built up in your head. I forgave you long ago of your offenses against me. And I've made a lot of progress when it comes to my feelings towards you. I pushed you out of my mind and tried to get on with my life. But when things are brought to my attention, such as your incessant judgment and cruel, inaccurate descriptions of me to your other condescending friends, then it gets hard. I don't want to have angry feelings towards you or anyone else for that matter. I guess some people might wonder why I let you get to me? Why would I let the opinion of someone I don't even care about affect me so much? Good question. I suppose it's because I'm human. Because it does hurt when you say bad things about me, no matter how insignificant you are to me. Its not fair that you persist spending your time bitterly speaking unkind words about me and victimizing yourself. Other people shouldn't have to base their impression of me on hearing your exaggerated, one-sided story. I have been willing to drop it and move on for quite some time now. And if you could just do the same it would make it a lot easier for me.

Toadstool Garden

I have an incredible inability to grow pretty much anything. So you have to know how astonished I was to find that my mushroom garden was thriving so excellently. I'm super impressed by these things. Also, not to brag (ahem) but our weed garden is coming along quite fantastically as well. So I suppose all is not lost when it comes to me and my gardening skills. I might not have a brown thumb after all. Ewww, brown thumb....doesn't sound pretty, does it? Okay, enough of that. Just enjoy these pictures. Some look really cool by enlarging them.

By the way, these things are strong . They plow up through the hard earth like it's nothin'.

Kickin' it in Canada

Spent some time across the border over the weekend. Here are some shots from the momentous trip.

Stopped at a convenient store. This slurpees straw was HUMONGOUS. Talk about brain freeze, baby. (p.s. good thing I'm not driving here...I got pulled over for speeding and the Mounty asked for my "doo-dads." No bueno.)

It's always fun to try some foreign candy.

The inside. What is it with injecting candy with air?

Vessel just keepin' it real in his little chair.

Me in front of the Cardston, Alberta temple.

Temple by itself.
After attending the temple, our friends the Jensens took us to a cool park in Lethbridge called Henderson park. Here is their son with Vessel.

Kizzia and Vessel.

Cool shot of the lake.

Bates and Jensen families.
The treehugger.
Vess throwing stones into the lake.
Daddy and Vessel on the dock.
I had to try this crazy toy on the playground. It just spins you around and around SO FAST. I got motion sick. Ugh.
Me and Vessie on this cool swing. This little girl in the background wanted to push us.
Okay, here are some sepia shots that I took.

Vessel with his feather that he found. He wouldn't let go of that thing.

Throwing rocks into the lake.

Ugh

Today seems so daunting. All I can do is sigh. I have so many questions running through my mind. I MUST find the answers. I MUST.
Often times I wish I could just live life without keeping a tight reign on my thoughts and emotions. I wonder what would happen if I left them unchecked? I just have to push forward though. Going backwards would only be worse.

The complexities of life

I have kind of neglected the blogosphere for awhile. Obviously if you look at my archives, I don't write as much as I used to. And I haven't been keeping up on friends' blogs the way I did in the past. I feel bad for that. I don't know what's the cause of this. A valid reason could be that I am busier lately. But another part is that I have just been...I don't even know the word. Sometimes it's hard to blog. I don't feel like I can say what I really want to say. I feel like if I did, people would judge me. I feel like if I write about happy stuff people just think that I'm bragging. Perhaps nobody even reads this blog anymore, anyway.
I don't know, life is just complex right now. Everyday my mind seems to be churning a million miles a second. But my body is so tired. I have no energy left by mid-day. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to give, and it's so frustrating. Lacking the energy or the motivation creates a dilemma in my life. I get anxious about stuff like I have butterfly wings flapping around in my gut, and other times I'm ecstatic. The ebb and flow of my world. Sometimes it's like I'm in a dreamland. Lately all I think about is the past and how much I miss certain idyllic things in my life. So consumed at times, that I lose focus of the present and the future. Other times the hurt of the past creeps up to haunt me and I fear that I will never be able to escape the pain of particular events. Some things trigger this ache in my heart more than others and it doesn't go away for awhile. This is what it's like to be alive. To experience all the good and bad and pain and joy. All of it intertwines to form this big complex ball of weirdness. It's good though. I'll take it. I just wish I could explain it better.