Sushi

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

A very LOOOOONG day...which started Sunday night when Jacob woke up crying several times after putting him to bed.  He was burning up with fever.  102.9 to be exact.  So lots of loves, juice, and children's Tylenol were in order.  But when Jake is sick, he is usually pretty inconsolable.  Then Vessel woke up cranky Monday morning, as did Jacob.  Haven woke up an hour earlier than usual and was off his eating/sleeping schedule all day.  The missionaries called late Sunday night letting us know that "we" signed up to feed them Monday evening.  I say "we" because I never see the sign up calendar go around in church since I am in Primary.  Mike is the one who signed us up but failed to mention it to me.  Such is life.  So, Monday morning while Vessel was at preschool I thought I better get some groceries because I had NOTHING to feed the missionaries, let alone my own family.  I debated about taking the children with me because A.) Jacob wasn't feeling all that great  B.)  Vessel was starting to act like he was getting sick too, and C.)  I didn't think I could handle taking 3 little kids to the store with me.  I considered getting a babysitter to stay with the boys while they napped, then I thought I could get it done quickly for sure.  Unfortunately it didn't work out.  I doubted I could wait to go until Mike got home from work because I had to have something ready for the missionaries to eat.  So I sucked it up and decided to just go with all my kids in tow.  Now, I've gone places with all 3 of my darling children.  But it wasn't a 2 hour trip to that horrible, hellish place, otherwise known as Wal-Mart.  Yes, it takes about 1 1/2 - 2 hours to go grocery shopping for me because A.) I have to get an entire week's worth of groceries  B.)  The check out lines are always long, no matter what time of day  C.)  and loading and unloading kids takes time, not to mention, driving there and back, and little hold ups like a 5 year old needing to relieve himself, etc.  Okay, so, I get in the store and search for one of those ginormous carts, the kind with 2 little seats and a cart attached to the front.  They only had 2 carts like that to choose from.  So I started putting my kids in one, then realized the straps were broken.  So I switched to the other cart with semi-working straps.  Okay, sorta strapped in is better than not at all.  Haven was in his car seat on top of the cart, a diaper bag shoved on one side of him and my purse on the other.  I soon realized I was in for quite a treat as I began wheeling that heavy, woebegone, cart around the store.  It was so incredibly loud that I honestly couldn't hear anything but the rattly, squeaky wheels that looked and felt as if they were about to fall off.  Mike called during my so-called adventure and even said it sounded like I was on a train.  Let's just say I got a lot of bad looks.  Besides practically falling apart, the cart was incredibly massive, like I was pushing a bus.  And I hadn't even put any groceries in it yet!  But I trucked along.  First stop: non-food items.  Wow, was I going to have enough room for everything?  I didn't really plan this out well, did I?  I had to get some bins for putting the boys' miscellaneous toys in.  Not the real big kind, but big enough to fill up the back half of the cart.  I'd be danged if I had to make a second trip later to get those bins, so I was going to make them fit with the rest of the stuff on my list.  I also needed a new pillow because the filling in my old one just wasn't cuttin' the mustard anymore.  I stuffed that down between the older boys, as if they had enough room as it was.  Okay, now the cart was really starting to annoy me.  I convinced an employee to go get me another cart since I had merchandise and couldn't go past the first set of automatic doors.  She acted put out and took her sweet time.  While I waited I got to listen to the boys fight over the bag of snacks I brought with me to keep them occupied. When the employee got back, I unloaded the kids, the diaper bag, my purse, the bins, the pillow and began to strap everyone in again.  But, BAH!  It was the cart with the crappy straps that didn't work!!  I'd have to deal with it though.  Okay, onto the baby section for diapers and wipes.  2 big boxes of diapers and 1 big box of wipe refills.  Geez, Jake, can't you be potty trained already?  I attempted to put the boxes below the cart, but guess what?  My new cart, although not as rickety and falling apart as the last one, did not have a rack underneath for putting things on like...diapers.  Dang it!  So, by this time my whole cart was filled and I hadn't even started getting food yet!  But I pressed forth.  And as I went I got that "look" from other shoppers.  That look that seemed to say, "You are so annoying with your gargantuan cart and your 3 kids and your disheveled look."  Or maybe a look of sympathy.  Somewhere along the way I realized that Jacob dropped his bag full of snacks.  Oh, that's just great, I thought.  I'm sure we left a trail of goldfish crackers and raisins behind for someone else to step in.  Then the kids became thirsty and started begging for a drink.  They never want anything to drink unless we're at the store.  So I got them each a juice and figured I could just pay for it at the check out.  Jacob just spilled his everywhere.  But I kept shopping.  And as I shopped I got more and more frustrated.  The store was out of, or no longer carried, many of the items on my list!!  C'mon Wal-mart, I thought you were a one-stop shop!  You are gonna make me go to ANOTHER store!  With food and other items practically spilling out of the cart, I eventually made it to the check out line.  Of course every register had people already lined up with carts as full as mine.  So I waited...  By this time Haven and Jacob were both crying from being tired and hungry and the pacifier just wasn't working for Haven anymore.  2 people commented, "Three boys, wow, you really have your hands full!"  Ya think?  Luckily a nice man pushed my 2 cart-full of groceries to the van and helped me load them in.  I was so happy I almost cried a little.  I ended up giving him a tip.  When we got home the real fun began.  I had to make 5 trips up and down three flights of stairs.  I left Haven in the van as I unloaded and he was crying so hard the whole neighborhood probably heard him.  A man in our complex walked in the building as I walked out to get the last load of bags and he just gave me a disgusted look while shaking his head.  Really, dude, you wanna judge me like that?  As soon as we all got into the house Vessel threw up on the carpet.  But I couldn't clean it up right away because the baby was starving to death and I had to nurse him.  Meanwhile, Jacob started freaking out and crying even more because Vessel wouldn't let him play on the swivel chair with him.  I finally finished feeding the baby and put the groceries away.  All the frozen stuff was pretty much thawed by then.  I had just thrown a paper towel over the barf on the carpet until I could get to it.  Then I became aware of the fact that the nasty barf soaked paper towel was stuck to the bottom of Jacob's foot and he was walking around the house with it.  Oh, superb!  I got that cleaned up and started making dinner for the Elders.  I made the kids their own special, little pizzas but they wouldn't even touch them.  Neither of them had an appetite.  So we just put them to bed with empty tummies.  Haven (the baby who is usually the best sleeper in the world) would NOT go to sleep.  That night I ended up nursing him AND giving him 2 bottles because he was still hungry.  For the love of humanity!  The missionaries came late and I didn't finish the dishes until 10:30 pm.  At this point I started feeling sick myself.  I was certain I had caught whatever the boys were fighting.  Blech.  A hot shower, salt water gargle, and saline solution up the nose (Thanks for the advice, Rachel!) and to bed I went.  But I couldn't sleep.  The room felt boiling hot and I was sweating like a hog.  When this morning came I felt completely unrested and worn out.  Awhile later I was in the boys' room helping them get dressed when I saw something weird on the side of Vessel's bed.  Was it?  Could it be?  Ewwwww!  A pile of chunky barf on the carpet!!  Seriously?  How long had that been there?  Apparently Vessel threw up in the middle of the night and didn't tell us about it.  Not sure if it was caused by a stomach bug or from coughing so hard.  Anyway, I snapped on some rubber gloves and worked that gross, nasty stuff out of the carpet until it looked decent again.  I'm not gonna lie, I gagged several times.  Anyway, I suppose I should end my whining here.  Although, I'm not so much telling this story to complain, but more to give you all a good laugh.  I love my kids and they bring a lot of joy to my life.  Yes, sometimes we have rough days, but that's just the life of being a mama.  My own mama said there would be days like this.  I shouldn't complain.  I was warned, after all.  :)  

Rentals

We are deciding on 2 houses to rent.  I am torn about which one we should pick.  We're only planning to rent for a year and then get a place of our own, so I know it's not temporary and shouldn't matter so much, but it does!  There are pros and cons to each place.  Here are the deets on each one.   

House #1---

Built in 1967.  Completely remodeled, new hardwood flooring on lower level, new carpet throughout on upper level, new paint through out, large updated kitchen with maple cabinets and lots of cupboard space, large dining room leads to outdoor deck, living room with fireplace.   Upstairs features three bedrooms and full bath. Large fully fenced backyard surrounded by trees.  Pros:  Closer to Mike's office so less of a commute, allows pets, beautiful remodeling, large kitchen, large backyard for kids to play in and plenty of trees, 2 car garage, more square feet, slightly less for rent.  Cons:  Only 3 bedrooms which look very, very small, only one full bathroom, no washer and dryer (will have to buy our own). 

 

 

 

 

 

House #2---
Built in 2007, hardwood floors, stainless steel appliances, gas range, dishwasher & microwave, gas fireplace, large master suite, his & her sinks in master bath, washer/dryer, back patio, fenced backyard, and one car garage.  Pros: 4 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, washer and dryer included, a block away from Tualtin Nature Park which has lots of trails for hiking and walking, newer neighborhood with lots of young families.  Cons:  Small backyard, further away from Mike's office, no pets allowed, although there are more bedrooms than the other, the house is 200 square feet smaller, slightly more expensive to rent (about $55 more dollars a month, which isn't much), in a cookie cutter neighborhood, dining room and kitchen combined, only 1 car garage, less storage space overall.
 

 

  

 

Twinkies!

C'mon, tell me these kids don't look exactly alike. It's undeniable, they could be twins!

Haven

Vessel

P-town or bust!

We have an official move date. The weekend of March 24th! I, for one, have been waiting for what seems like an eternity to move. When things got pushed back from the time we were supposed to leave Great Falls the first time (last September) I was pretty depressed. I think it's mainly because I had things arranged in my mind how I thought they would be and when things didn't work out like expected I panicked a bit. I don't like it when plans get changed and I have to rearrange my life and all my ideas to fit a different agenda. You know what? I don't even know if I'm going to like Portland. I've never even been there. But at this point I am just so ready for a fresh start. A new environment, a new house, new opportunities, etc. I hope we love it there and that things just fall neatly into place. Change is scary. But Mike and I believe this will be a good move for our family. Only 2 months away!

New Year New Perspective

So my last entry I wrote about some struggles I had been having trying to adjust to post pregnancy life and the presence of a baby in the home. Things have gradually gotten better. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm trying to feel more gratitude in my life and that seems to help a bunch. Also, never underestimate the power of prayer. I feel that sometimes during difficult days, prayer is the only thing that gets me through. It's also nice that Haven is older now. I know, he's only a mere 2 months now, but it seems like he's changed so much since his birth. He is hefty and growing out of his clothes like crazy. He has started to lose that newborn look and he is awake and alert more often during the day. He is smiling, cooing, and even laughing now. I'm amazed at how much these little things lift my spirits. He is sleeping very well at night and I am getting a bit more sleep which helps my mood. We have gotten into a routine and that has eliminated a good portion of my anxiety. Haven is very predictable and I know when he's going to be hungry and sleepy and I know why he's upset when he fusses and I can usually find the solution to calming him down. I have him all figured out and that definitely makes me feel more confident as a mother.

Pity Party

Excerpts from my journal from a few weeks ago:

"I just don't know if I can handle another pregnancy...Perhaps it's the fatigue and lack of sleep talking ...having a newborn is probably the hardest stage for me. It always has been with each child. Having 3 children hasn't been easy. Especially when Vessel & Jacob are screaming or fighting and the baby is crying and I am exhausted. It's hard to feel like I'm being a good mom. It's hard to feel like I'm meeting the individual needs of my children when I'm so tired & impatient and when I'm trying to do so many things at once. I know this time of my life is only temporary. But it is a huge adjustment. I've had a few hard days. The hormonal roller-coaster hasn't been fun. I've cried a lot since the baby was born. I just don't understand why women have to go through all these crazy changes during and after pregnancy. And it being winter just makes it worse. Not being able to take the kids for walks, or go to the park, or the swimming pool. And this tiny apartment feels so confining and stuffy and sometimes I feel so claustrophobic here. I hate the feeling of being isolated. ...I want to be able to go out and do something on my own, but I feel tied down to the baby. I don't want that to sound bad, it just is what it is. I have to feed him, he relies on me for nourishment and comfort. I am the only one who seems to understand what he wants, or how he likes to be held, or what will calm him down when he's fussy. I feel like I can't be away from him. Maybe it's instinct we're born with that kicks in when we become mothers. An instinct that keeps us from abandoning our babies. Whatever it is, that feeling is strong. He needs me and I need him. And even though some days I feel like I am going to go totally bat crap crazy in this apartment and I need a break just to get away, if I do leave for even an hour to do my own thing, all I think about is the baby. I know he won't be a baby forever. But these next few months are going to be the hardest .....I feel so detached from everyone. During a time of such love and happiness with Christmas almost here, all I feel is a heavy, cold heart. I feel really far away from everyone and everything around me. I want to let go of this feeling, to set myself free from the grip of loneliness and sadness I feel. Is it just a matter of not giving into the sadness?"

Yes, for the last month I've been experiencing the "baby blues," if you will. I've kind of been struggling to stay afloat, just trying to get through each day and not fall apart. But, a couple of days ago while I was rocking the baby, I opened the Ensign and started reading this article. Go ahead, read it, it's a goody. This talk hit me pretty hard as I came to realize that the reason I was having such a hard time finding happiness was because I was focusing too much on the negative. Eyring says "We must ask in prayer that God, by the power of the Holy Ghost, will help us see our blessings clearly even in the midst of our trials. He can help us by the power of the Spirit to recognize and be grateful for blessings we take for granted." I don't think I have been sufficiently grateful. I know my trials are real for me, but things could be so much worse than they are. In reality, I have so much to be thankful for. Haven is a good baby and the boys have adjusted better than I thought. Jacob has been so sweet to the baby and doesn't act jealous or resentful at all. Vessel has been a good helper to me. There have been so many people willing and wanting to help out during this time. People have brought us meals and have offered to help watch the kids. Some friends have offered to take Vessel for a few hours so I could get some stuff done. My sister was so nice to drive up here and spend a week with me. Having her here was a godsend. She took the older boys out for a couple hours each day to get them out of the house. She was so helpful and without being asked, changed diapers, got the kids dressed in the morning, and prepared lunch for everyone. She did so much. And then my husband's parents came to visit for a week and they did just about everything from doing the dishes and laundry to taking the boys out so I could take a nap. They were amazing. More than amazing, actually.
Mike has been in Portland since Wednesday morning and I have had some severe anxiety knowing I'd be alone every night with the 3 kids. On a typical day I am comforted to know that I'm going to get some relief come 5 o'clock when Mike walks through the door. I was worried about the anxiety and loneliness I was going to feel every night, but I have been so lucky. My downstairs neighbor came up and stayed with me to keep me company for a couple hours and even brought me a plate of homemade candy. My dear friend came over Thursday night and had dinner with me and helped me while I got my kiddos ready for bed and then she just stayed and talked with me for awhile. That definitely cheered me up. Another friend invited me to her house for dinner last night. And yet another friend called me today and ended up going to the grocery store with me to help out with the kids. Plus a friend of mine picked up Vessel for preschool and dropped him off this past week so that I didn't have to. I feel so blessed at the outpouring of love so many people have shown me. It definitely makes me feel less alone and feel like there are people I can count if things get too hard.

For the past couple of weeks I allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my sadness and depression. Of course, the hormones and post pregnancy issues aren't completely resolved yet. But I know that Heavenly Father listens to and answers my prayers. Ever since reading Elder Eyring's words, I have been praying to feel more gratitude and it's actually helping. My burden feels lighter. I feel more capable of coping with my circumstances. I have a deeper desire of to serve others and to not focus so selfishly on my own problems. I am trying to embrace parenthood more and magnify my calling as wife and mother. I know the Spirit has touched me this week and I now feel GRATITUDE more than I have in a very long time.

Vessel's Drawings

Vessel had a nightmare. He wanted to draw me the ghostie that scared him out of his sleep.

The day I had baby Haven was the same day Vessel's class learned about babies at preschool. This is the face he drew on the his baby and it cracked me up.

A picture of the new baby with Mom and Dad. Mike looks like a hunchback.


In preschool the kids were supposed to draw something they were grateful for in this cornucopia. Vessel drew his "girlfriend" Yliana.

The Name Game

Mike and I really struggled to figure out a name for our 3rd child. It was like having Jacob all over again. Mike and I have such different ideas when it comes to what names sound good. It was so discouraging not being able to agree on a name for Jacob when he was born. I felt so strongly in my heart that he was meant to be Riven Jacob Bates. I loved Riven because it was unique and had a "v" in it like Vessel's name. I liked Jacob as a middle name because its a very Biblical name (just like Vessels middle name, Noah.) and also "normal," so if he ever wanted to fall back on his middle name, he could. I thought it would be nice to give all our kids unique first names, with common middle names (and/or religious/scriptural names.) But so much for that. We thought about using "Eleven" as a name for our third, of course, only if he was born on the eleventh (which he was.) It would've definitely been unique, but I couldn't really hear myself calling him "Eleven." I felt like Eleven would've been the perfect name if we had a girl because we could just call her "Eve" or "Evey," both names that Mike and I really love. I don't want it to sound like I wasn't excited to have another boy, because I was. It's just funny how Mike and I could agree on hundreds of girl names. A little ironic, eh? We also thought about using "November" as a name and calling him "Ember" for short. Ember was a name we considered last time when I was pregnant with Jacob. November is unique and suggests something about when he was born. But I couldn't get Mike totally on board with the idea. He thought "Eleven" or "November" would've been suitable for a middle name only. Mike liked the name "Elias" and when he told me about it, I liked it too. But I didn't want people to call him Eli for short. In the beginning I thought "Eleven Elias Bates" sounded great. Over time I agreed with Mike that Eleven was much better as a middle name. Turns out we never even used Eleven as part of our baby's name anyway. On the top of my list was "Adler" meaning "eagle" in Old German. I also liked the names Hawk, Rain, Riley, Nevata (meaning snowflake), Echo, Navarro, Baxley, Rylan, and Breckin. I couldn't say I was 100% in love with any of those names, however. I was grappling for something, ANYTHING, that Mike would agree on and that I could grow to love. And then while we were in the hospital after the baby was born, Mike was holding him and said, "What about Haven? He looks like a Haven to me." When I was in high school, our band performed a song called "Havendance" that was named after the composer's daughter. Ever since then I have always wanted to use the name Haven for my first born daughter. After the ultrasound confirmed we were having another boy, I thought that ship had sailed, and that I'd never get to use the name Haven. Mike said he was talking to a co-worker and she new a man named Haven. I big, strong cowboy of a man in fact. And then while looking through one of the name books we got from the library, I saw that Haven was listed under the boy section. Perhaps Haven wasn't as feminine as I thought it was. I considered Mike's proposal and it actually sounded perfect to me. As for the middle name, we decided on Elias because of it's scriptural reference. Wow, we actually both felt good about the name! And that's how Haven Elias Bates came to be.

Cuties

Here are some random shots of the kiddos from 2011...