Have you ever had one of those days? Or one of those weeks? I’m having one of those weeks. It’s just not going well for me lately. For the past little while I’ve been having lots of vivid dreams about my mom. I miss her terribly. I would give anything to just be able to call her up and talk to her. As much as I try to push her death out of my mind, there’s always something that reminds me. I just want to talk to her about motherhood and ask her questions and tell her all about Vessel and life in general. I want to be able to ask her advice and share things with her mother to mother. For some reason it’s all just catching up to me now. It’s been over a year since her passing and I am just now seriously feeling the effects. Seems like a delayed reaction. Is this normal? I feel angry sometimes, like the timing was so wrong. She left too soon. It seems unfair. It’s not fair that her 24 year old daughter had to make the arrangements for her funeral and it’s not fair that her 20 year old daughter, totally inexperienced with the so-called “real world,” had to watch her mom and best friend die in her arms after trying to resuscitate her. These things shouldn’t happen, yet they do. God works in mysterious ways. But I have yet to uncover the mystery of my mom’s death. Why her? Why then? Why in that way? It was so unexpected. Maybe if she had some terminal illness it would’ve been easier. I’d have a chance to say the things I wanted say and tell her good-bye. I’d have an idea of her wants and wishes. But no, it was so abrupt. And the regrets are unbearable sometimes. I kick myself for all my “should haves.” I just really miss her and nobody seems to understand how hard it still is.
General conference was this past weekend and I was really excited to be able to listen to the talks. I felt like I needed some spiritual uplifting and comforting words. But unfortunately, I didn’t get to listen to most of conference for various reasons, so I am sad about that. And it seems that this past week has been a struggle spiritually for me and I can feel the void in my heart from slacking off on stuff I should be doing better at.
Today I had a rock in my gut that never went away. I feel like people are judging me when they don’t even know me. They don’t know what kind of person I really am. They just make assumptions. I have some indication that certain people look down on me and my decisions by the subtle things they say and do. Unfortunately they fail to understand or recognize my circumstances and reasoning.
Today even strangers have been so mean to me. After my crossing guard shift I had to go turn off the school zone lights. To do that I have to make a left hand turn to get to the switchboard. Well, while I was waiting for a break in traffic to make my turn, the people behind me were none too pleased to have to wait behind me so they laid on their obnoxious horn and yelled obscenities out their window at me, making sure to call me an F-ing b*tch and other choice names. Not only that, but in the same day I got honked at by another lady because I tried being nice by letting someone else go in front of me. To top it off, while I was at a stop light later this afternoon, from the corner of my eye I noticed a lot of movement taking place in the car next to me. So I looked over to find two men waving at me. I didn’t recognize them so I didn’t wave back and just turned away. I looked over at them again and they were still waving and making obscene gestures with their mouths and hands and generally being gross and offensive while continuing to get me to wave at them. I shook my head “no” so they flipped me off several times while mouthing the words F-U. Then when the light turned green they steadily stayed right next to my car and wouldn’t let me pass them. It was scary since I was the only one in the car (Vessel and Mike weren’t with me at the time.) What is the world coming to? There are so many crude and mean people these days. That last incident in the car was what really threw me over the edge and I just broke down and cried. I needed a good cry though, since there had been so many things eating at me all week. But tomorrow’s a new day and I suppose there’s no other way to go but up.
The dinner below wasn't the same night, but I thought it looked yummy so I wanted to post it. Every time we make homemade pizza we make it Mediterreanean style, but we've kind of altered it to fit our taste (like adding mushrooms.) The dough recipe (courtesy of Kathy Harker) is just flour, water, yeast, salt, honey, and malted milk. The toppings are: olive oil, a little mozzerella, a little feta, fresh spinach, sun-dried tomatoes, fresh mushrooms, grilled chicken, and herbs. It is muy delicioso, and you should try it, especially if you hate pizza with red sauce.
Before baking. 
